Failure

I/we had a painful thing happen a few weeks ago. At first it was too tender to talk about and I really didn't think I would blog about it...my immediate reaction was to just move on and forget about it. But it's turned in to a beautiful thing in a way and it has caused me to do some great thinking. At the end of February, Michelle had a violin concert. Her violin teacher (who is WONDERFUL!) ended up getting sick in January and then had surgery. So between Christmas break, her illness and surgery and so on, Michelle had only a few lessons in December and January. I have learned a little about the violin from observing the lessons but I don't play and don't really know a ton about music, although I appreciate music.


Anyway, Michelle had a concert to help prepare her for Federation which is this coming Saturday. She worked hard to practice. But she was being accompanied by my sister, and they had only had one chance to practice together (and it was before Michelle had her song memorized.) We got stuck in traffic and the day just wasn't going so well. She stood up to perform and got part way through the song and just got completely lost...the piano accompaniment does not play the melody so it really doesn't help her to pick back up if she gets confused and she stood there looking petrified and embarrassed. Finally, she figured out where she was supposed to be and continued playing. It was really quite terrible. Michelle was so embarrassed. She came home and said that she was awful and she didn't want to play violin any more and that it was so embarrassing. She tends to get very nervous and worried around concerts and tell me repeatedly that she wants to quit...but the rest of the time she likes it and I think it will be a real blessing in her life if she sticks with it, so I've made her so far.

But I must admit, I felt like I had failed her somehow. With my new calling, I am busier than ever. I make sure she practices, but I had been less involved in her practicing...not paying close attention to her form or to making sure she was getting her fingers right on the tape, etc. I'm not the best at this to begin with, because as I mentioned, I don't play violin. But I'd been worse. I knew she had really tried to master the song, but without much help from me and after not having several lessons, she just wasn't ready. In my head, I thought, I'm not sure I can keep doing this. It hurt my heart to see her feel so discouraged and embarrassed. I had kind of decided that I'd make her stick with it until the end of the summer, but that I'd probably let her quit. I didn't want her to quit right after a bad experience and feel like she'd given up or was a failure. And I was smart enough to not mention anything about her quitting or about my feelings to her. I tried to build her up and tell her that she still had a month until Federation and that she could do it. But inside, I doubted.

Well, the next week we were going to a lesson. Her teacher is always so positive...she has high expectations, but she is very kind. But inside I was dreading going. I knew how sensitive Michelle was feeling about the concert and how tender my heart felt when I thought about it. (I think I have insecurities at times about whether I am doing enough as a mom or whether my working--which I have to do--will have a negative affect on them. My biggest concern about accepting the call as Relief Society President was whether it would mean more time away from my children and whether that would be harmful to them. It does mean more time away from them, although I try to do it in ways and times that impact them the least...and I feel certain that if I serve to the best of my abilities, the Lord will make up the difference and bless my family. But still, I have those insecurities at times. This was definitely one of those times!) I feared that at the lesson the teacher would express disappointment or disapproval. She didn't at all. She gave some suggestions and reassured Michelle that there was still a month and that she could get it. Then she had Michelle play through the songs again and really drilled the parts she was struggling with. She'd make her play a little section 10 or 15 times correctly and then move on. She has repeated that in the subsequent lessons. Michelle came away from it feeling so much better, and so did I. Federation is this coming Saturday, and Michelle may or may not play perfectly, but she will play to the best of her ability, which is all that I (or anyone) can ask of her. She still whines sometimes about practicing and she gets discouraged that it isn't easier. But she also absolutely loves to see or hear people playing the violin. I checked out a CD from the library by Jenny Oaks Baker where she is playing the violin and Michelle loves it. She loves Lindsey Sterling's youtube videos. Today I shared a video with her that our Relief Society teacher, Natalie, shared with us. It is about a young man who has no fingers on his right hand and uses a special prosthetic to play the violin. He is amazing!! She was so impressed.

I was talking to my dear friend Brenda about this right after that first lesson after the concert. I told her a little bit about how terrible I felt, how Michelle felt and how I hated her feeling like she'd failed...how I had struggled with whether to let her quit or have her keep trying. As we talked, Brenda said that maybe this was a good thing that she experienced this failure. As we talked, I realized that it was a good lesson. Michelle is going to have disappointments in life. She is going to try at some things and fail. But if she learns that failure (or what was perceived as a failure in that moment) is not the end, that she can pick herself up and keep trying, then that is a valuable lesson. If she has the opportunity to fail in fairly safe ways now (yes, this was embarrassing, but there weren't that many people there...and there were no long term consequences) then it will give her greater confidence, greater ability to get back up and dust herself off and keep going when bigger disappointments come. And that is a valuable life lesson. So neither of us are failures after all!

Favorite Quotes of the month

Because I am studying conference talks and preparing Relief Society lessons and studying the gospel so intently right now, I feel like I have a million thoughts running through my head and a lot of quotes bouncing around. This is a good thing...but there are moments when my brain feels a little too full...and I know that writing is therapeutic for me. So I thought I'd just jot down some of my favorite quotes or ideas I've been thinking about lately.

In my Relief Society lesson two Sundays ago, I ran out of time. I shared the things that I think were most important to share, but I still had more to say. My lesson was on chapter 9 in Daughters of my Kingdom, "Guardians of the Hearth" and was about protecting the home and family...and recognizing our important roles as mothers, wives, women of faith and daughters of God.

In chapter 9, it tells a story about President Kimball. A man asked him if he'd been to heaven. He responded that he had glimpsed heaven many times...in the temple, in the home of a loving stake president, as he spoke with a couple that couldn't bear children but who had filled their home with 18 orphans. He said, "Heaven is a place, but also a condition; it is home and family. It is understanding and kindness. It is interdependence and selfless activity. It is quiet, sane living; personal sacrifice, genuine hospitality, wholesome concern for others. It is living the commandments of God without ostentation or hypocrisy. It is selflessness. It is all about us. We need only recognize it as we find it and enjoy it. Yes, my dear brother, I've had many glimpses of heaven." I am trying to create a home where we have glimpses of heaven. I am not always as successful as I'd like to be at this, but I am trying.
Here's our home, where I hope we catch glimpses of heaven. We are trying "to establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God." (D&C 88:119)

I've shared with several friends how much I love Emily Freeman's website, Daily Closer to Christ. I especially love her post about God's heart that I've linked to here. I love this quote from it: "Sometimes life doesn't go the way we plan. Even when we're following The Plan. I found a new favorite quote on the wall of my mom's bedroom, 'When you can't see God's hand, trust His heart.'" She talks about when things are rough, we have a choice...to turn to God and trust Him or to turn away from Him. We may wonder why our prayers don't seem to be answered (at least how we want them to) or why we face the challenges we do. She speaks of many who turned to God in their extremities: Esther, Hannah, Gideon, Elisha, Nephi, Joseph Smith. Then she says this, "He reached their reaching. In His own way, and in His own time. I have learned that in the moments when my life has taken a detour, or the storms swirl overhead, or the obstacle in my path seems insurmountable, I must open my scriptures. Answers are there.... Those pages teach us about God's heart. I am coming to understand that God's heart loves my heart." I LOVE that! God's heart loves my heart. I don't just love that. I know it is true. If only I/we could remember that every day!

The week before my lesson, I watched several talks given at the 2011 Time Out for Women. I especially enjoyed the talk by Laurel Christensen. She shared Ephesians 3:20 which says "Him who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that we ask or think". She talked about how it seems like either of those words would suffice...exceedingly or abundantly...but that by using both it really shows how much power the Lord has to bless us...that He can do things so much more than we realize...and that through his power, we can too. She shared some experiences in life when she thought she absolutely could not do something and then found the strength to do it. One experience she shared was running a half marathon (an experience I can relate to!) When she got to mile 12, she was exhausted and in pain. She could not take another step. She was going to quit. She knew she was almost there, but she knew she couldn't make it. It was impossible. But then she heard voices cheering for her and she looked up and could see the finish line and somehow, she drew strength and made it to the end. She said, "Each of us are here to become a little closer to the woman He always intended us to be. You are living plan A. It is not too late today to change something dramatically in your life. Beware the temptation to stop at mile 12." This reminded me (among other things) that we are on our journey home...and there are people cheering us along the way...our families, our Savior, loved ones who have passed on, and so on. Sometimes the world gets so loud and so hard that we feel we must quit, but we are at mile 12... even those of us with many years let to live are, in a sense, at mile 12. I had a BYU professor that liked to say that once we leave this life, we will realize that this life is merely a parentheses in eternity...we lived before we came to earth and we will live after we die... this life is such a short time. We are on our way home... we must keep going and finish the race.

In this same talk by Laurel Christensen, she shared this quote from Elder Oaks, "When we have a vision of what we can become, our desire and our power to act increases enormously."

Desire and power. Vision. Him who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that we ask or think. Glimpses of heaven. Beware the temptation to stop at mile 12. God's heart loves my heart. These are my favorite quotes this month. But the month is only half over... I'm sure I will have many more by the end of the month.

Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?

Last week we celebrated Dr. Seuss' birthday as part of our school Literacy Week. We had a bunch of fun activities including our fifth graders performing a great play of Horton Hatches an Egg. I read a Dr. Seuss book to my class each day and read them my favorite biography about him The Boy on Fairfield Street by Kathleen Krull. One of the books I read to them was "Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?"

I love how Dr. Seuss is able to imbed life lessons into fun and engaging stories that don't feel like they are teaching you a lesson. Recognizing our blessings is so important, something that I am constantly trying to teach my children and improve in myself. So I loved reading this:

“When you think things are bad,
when you feel sour and blue,
when you start to get mad...
you should do what I do!
Just tell yourself, Duckie,
you're really quite lucky!
Some people are much more...
oh, ever so much more...
oh, muchly much-much more
unlucky than you!”

The story shows kids in France whose pants get eaten by pants eating plants and a bee watcher who has to be watched by a bee watcher watcher who is watched by a bee watcher watcher watcher and on an on. Each scenario is silly and not realistic, but the lesson is taught by a man sitting on a cactus, a rather unpleasant experience of course. And it is good to stop from time to time and remember that we really are so very lucky! I can remember reading a couple of years ago that if you have flooring (of any kind...not dirt) and glass in your windows then you are luckier/wealthier than something like 75% of the world's population. (That might not be the right percentage, but it was a startling number.) There are so many things we take for granted that others don't have...free education, indoor plumbing, clean water, libraries, internet access, sufficient food to eat (and actually more than enough...and a wide variety of foods), and probably a million other blessings that don't usually cross our minds. I am really quite lucky!! Thank you for reminding me, Dr. Seuss!

The Golden Child

I love Patricia Polacco. If I had to pick a favorite picture book author, it would probably be her (although there would be about 10-20 others right behind her in line for that honor.) So I was excited to recently read her book of Mother Goose rhymes entitled Babushka's Mother Goose. I must admit that for just a moment I was disappointed that so few of them were rhymes I knew. But then I started reading these rhymes that she and her babushka (grandmother) created...many based on other nursery rhymes, including those from Russia. There are fun ones...like Yasha... "Yasha had a beard/that grew and grew and grew!/It reached down to the ground,/it grew and grew and grew!/Up over fences, through a barn,/and even past a hound,/It grew up goats, it grew down slopes,/it grew without a sound...." (it continues on...and the illustration is hilarious!) But if I had to choose one absolute favorite, it would be:
The Golden Child

There is an ancient legend-
it's very old indeed-
about a child, a golden child,
who loves when there is need.

Enchanted child, with eyes so dear,
walks with God each day.
"Treat this one as you would me,'
the Lord came here to say.

But no one knows the golden child-
it looks like any other-
so every child it may be,
a sister or a brother.
**
I love the message in this rhyme. Every child it may be...a sister or a brother. We should treat everyone we meet as if they are the golden child who walks with God each day. We should be kind and patient and forgiving when a child does wrong. We should "Treat this one as you would me"... " "But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 19:14)

Children can teach us so much. Twice in the past two weeks during class discussions, children in my class have mentioned God. Once we were reading a book and we stopped to talk about honesty. I said something like, "Even if no one catches you being dishonest, you know that you were. You have to live with yourself and know that you did something dishonest and that doesn't feel good." One student said, "Yeah and God knows." Many students nodded their heads in agreement. I can't remember the circumstances of the other time, but it was probably something similar. (Because it is a public school classroom, I try to handle this carefully...neither really encouraging these remarks nor discouraging them entirely, but pointing out that people have many different beliefs about God and that they should talk to their families about their own beliefs.)

I love this quote by C.S. Lewis. It has long been a favorite:
“It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which,if you say it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilites, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all of our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - These are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.” From the Weight of Glory

If we could always remember that every child, every person, we interact with is a "Golden Child" and that each person we meet is a child of God, then this world would be a much nicer place.

My Golden Children :)

Anxiously Engaged/Men Can Change

Jocelyn is hosting a Book of Mormon blog Forum, and I decided I wanted to participate. She asked each person to blog about the Book of Mormon scripture(s) from an October General Conference talk that meant the most to you. I feel like October General Conference really set me on a path of some soul searching and earnestly striving to live the gospel more fully. I have read and reread many of the talks and there are two that especially touch my heart. The talk that touched me most deeply during my original viewing of conference and that continues to be on my mind almost daily was "Be Anxiously Engaged" by Elder M. Russell Ballard. I loved his story of the honeybee:

"Honeybees are driven to pollinate, gather nectar, and condense the nectar into honey. It is their magnificent obsession imprinted into their genetic makeup by our Creator. It is estimated that to produce just one pound (0.45 kg) of honey, the average hive of 20,000 to 60,000 bees must collectively visit millions of flowers and travel the equivalent of two times around the world. Over its short lifetime of just a few weeks to four months, a single honeybee’s contribution of honey to its hive is a mere one-twelfth of one teaspoon.

Though seemingly insignificant when compared to the total, each bee’s one-twelfth of a teaspoon of honey is vital to the life of the hive. The bees depend on each other. Work that would be overwhelming for a few bees to do becomes lighter because all of the bees faithfully do their part.

The beehive has always been an important symbol in our Church history. We learn in the Book of Mormon that the Jaredites carried honeybees with them (see Ether 2:3) when they journeyed to the Americas thousands of years ago. Brigham Young chose the beehive as a symbol to encourage and inspire the cooperative energy necessary among the pioneers to transform the barren desert wasteland surrounding the Great Salt Lake into the fertile valleys we have today. We are the beneficiaries of their collective vision and industry."

Elder Ballard encouraged each of us to pray each day to have the opportunity to serve. I began doing that in earnest in November, and while most of the service I provided was small, it brought a lot of peace and joy to me. I did find ways to serve nearly every day. Of course, I found ways to serve my family, but I also found ways to reach beyond and serve others. I began to feel my heart turned more and more to others. I feel certain that this helped set the stage to prepare my heart for the calling as Relief Society President that I received in December. A calling that has stretched me, humbled me, blessed my life in countless ways and allowed me to contribute my one-twelth of one teaspoon to the Lord's hive.

Elder Ballard referred to Alma 5:12-21. I love all of this, but verse 16 has always been a favorite verse of mine. It reads, "I say unto you, can you imagine to yourselves that ye hear the voice of the Lord, saying unto you, in that day: Come unto me ye blessed, for behold, your works have been the works of righteousness upon the face of the earth?"
I love this. I want to have lived so that the Lord can say that my works have been the works of righteousness upon the face of the earth. As I teach my children, as I serve in my calling, as I study and pray, I am trying to draw nearer to the Lord each day and trying to reach beyond myself to serve and bless the lives of others. I know I can't do it alone. But if we each contribute our one-twelth of one teaspoon and we each place our trust in the Lord, then our cup will run over.

The second talk that has meant a great deal to me since my call as Relief Society President is the talk given by President Monson at Priesthood Session entitled "See Others as they May Become." President Monson tells of a missionary who was experiencing phenomenal success. Brother N. Eldon Tanner asked him why he was so successful and he responded that he tried to baptize every person he met. He would picture the man in a suit and tie and he could visualize the man entering the baptismal font. This made all the difference because he wasn't afraid to teach anyone or bear powerful testimony to them.

President Monson said, "We have the responsibility to look at our friends, our associates, our neighbors this way. Again, we have the responsibility to see individuals not as they are but rather as they can become. I would plead with you to think of them in this way."

This has made a difference in my interactions with others. I work full time as a teacher, and I have never hidden my beliefs. However, I have been a little more open with my colleagues about my beliefs lately. When I have done visits to less active members of my ward, I try to remember that each person is a beloved child of God and has the potential to repent and to change. In a few cases, I think they have felt this and it has caused a softening in their heart. But regardless of whether it has changed their heart or not, it has changed mine.

Pres. Monson quoted 2 Timothy 1: 7-8: “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord.”

Men, and women, can change. I am thankful that I have been given the gift of repentance and that I can change. I am thankful for a prophet of God who believes that others can change and lives by that belief. I have recently read President Monson's biography and have been so touched by all that I learned from reading it. I wrote about some of my thoughts and feelings about his biography inthis post and this post.

We are so blessed to have a living prophet and to have the fulness of the gospel in the Book of Mormon. I am so thankful!

Belief Society

I am surrounded by many great people. I'm feeling thankful for so many people right now, but I want to make mention of those who I work with. Two of the first people I told about my calling were Brenda and Polly, my teammates. Neither of them are LDS but they were both so supportive and encouraging and offered help and support. One of my secretaries was just recently released as the Relief Society in her ward. Our other secretary was recently called as her ward's RS President. Our social worker is one of the counselors in her ward's RS Presidency. I am surrounded by great people and each of them has offered support. But I'm at least as thankful for those who do not share my beliefs who have also offered support. My principal saw that I'd been called on Facebook and she said that she was sure I would do great. I was feeling quite discouraged on Monday...and she said something in faculty meeting that really helped me...even though she wasn't talking about Relief Society at all. When I shared with her today in an email what it had meant to me, she responded (in part) "You are so kind and caring. I am sure you were called to be "Belief Society" (Collen's term --isnt it cute) president because you are so needed." It was our secretary (who was recently released) who coined that term. I like it. I've been thinking about it all afternoon/evening. We certainly are a relief society...one of our purposes is to provide relief for those in physical, emotional or spiritual distress. But just as surely as we are a relief society, we are even more importantly a belief society. There are many great societies with the purposes of providing relief (such as the Red Cross, Doctors without Borders, and so on) but we are set apart because we are also a society of believers.

I am listening to Sheri Dew's book "No Doubt About It" on CD in the car right now. She told about asking her grandma when she was 8, "What if the church isn't really true? We will have wasted a lot of time at meetings." Her grandma said that she knew it was true because the spirit had told her it was. She then said that someday Sheri would know it was true and she would never be able to be the same again. She also told of a woman she met at a conference. The woman was a minister. The woman's husband was a minister. Their parents were ministers. This woman studied the Bible and tried to live God's word. She commented that she knew God speaks to us....she wasn't sure how he speaks to us, but she was sure he did. Sister Dew said that understanding how God speaks to us is one of the things that really sets us apart from the rest of the world. Having the Holy Ghost testify of truth changes our lives forever. We come to believe, to know, to have no doubt about it.

I am grateful to know. To be part of a belief society where I can be strengthened by other believers. But I am also very grateful to be surrounded by other good people who can support me and demonstrate respect even though they don't know.

Answered Prayers

Through no fault of my own, I ended up in a situation that made me a bit uncomfortable on Wednesday. I was trying to help someone, but it wasn't going very well. I was at my home with my children and Alfredo was gone. I said a quick prayer for guidance to know what to say and do. I wasn't in danger, but felt uncomfortable and unsure how to handle the situation. Just a few minutes later, there was a knock at the door. It was the missionaries. Elder Duke had a new companion that he wanted to introduce us to. They were just planning to stop by, but after talking for a minute at the door, they ended up coming in and talking and sharing their testimonies. I have no doubt that it was a direct answer to my prayers. I found myself with tears in my eyes...partly because they spoke with the spirit, but primarily because I knew that Heavenly Father had heard my prayers and sent help. I was planning to call them today to thank them, but as I was driving home from work, I saw them walking down the street. So I pulled over and talked to them and thanked them. I told them that they were an answer to prayers, and they said that as they were walking down the street, they just had the thought that they should stop by briefly at the Panamenos. I'm thankful that they listened to the spirit and came "to the rescue." They are wonderful young men with strong testimonies of the gospel. I am thankful that my Father in Heaven is aware of my needs...and of the needs of those I'm trying to serve. The missionaries seemed to know just what to say during a time when I was having difficulty figuring out what to say and how to handle the situation.

On Friday, teachers had training at East High. We started in the auditorium. Then we broke up into different classrooms for three different sessions. At the end of the first session, I leaned down to grab my stuff and noticed that my purse wasn't there. I looked all around me, looked in my bag, looked around me again and then hurried down to the auditorium. I wandered up and down the aisles near where I was sitting, but my purse wasn't there. I thought, "Maybe I left it in the car." So I hurriedly jogged to my car and searched, but my purse wasn't there. At that point, I said the third prayer I'd said in those 10 minutes and headed to my next session. At the end of the last session, I told my friend Brenda about the purse. We checked in the high school's office, but it hadn't been turned in. So we asked the leaders of the conference, but no one had given it to them. I knew I had brought it, because I had an errand to run briefly on my way home. The leader of the conference assured me that teachers are honest, good people and that she was sure someone had it and just hadn't made it downstairs yet. So I waited around. My dear friend, Brenda, waited with me. After about 15 minutes, I really thought it was gone. I was just about to give them my name and phone number and ask them to call me if it turned up and head home (luckily my cell phone and car keys were in my jacket pocket, not in my purse). I was starting to feel worried... my purse is small and doesn't have a lot in it, but there is one credit card and my checkbook and my license and just canceling and replacing those three things would be a big hassle. Just as I was about to give up, a man walked by pushing a cart of audiovisual materials from the presentation in the auditorium...and on the cart was also my purse! I'm so thankful that it was returned to me with nothing missing. What a blessing! I'm thankful for honest people and for answered prayers.

Today, a close friend blessed their baby. I wasn't able to attend the blessing, but Alfredo and the girls went. Afterward, I met them at the friend's parents' house for a luncheon. I had the address, but it was an area that I have never really been to, and I was feeling a tiny bit nervous about finding it...I am not super great at finding my way to unfamiliar places. I was unsure which exit to take and was saying a prayer about it, when my phone rang. It was Alfredo and he was pretty sure he had just passed me and he then let me know which exit to take. When I got off the exit, I was right behind him and was able to follow him there. Simple, but yet another answer to prayers. Certainly not all of my prayers are answered that quickly, nor do I always recognize the answers I receive. But I feel like I am being led by the spirit so much more now than previously and I know that my prayers are heard. I am so thankful.