Covid 19...my summary

I have been meaning to write for months.Two months to be precise.  On March 12, I had a really beautiful day with Sara and we attended the Inklings Event where we discussed women and the priesthood and we felt the spirit and just had a perfect evening.  It came after nearly 6 months of study of the roles of women in the priesthood and such beautiful insights and growth.  And despite a challenging class, I was feeling such joy and hope and peace.  In January, 2020 seemed destined to be our year.  We had trips to China and El Salvador planned and Gabby and I would go on her 12th birthday trip.  I was serving as YW President and I just absolutely love it.  Gabby was in YW and we could go to the temple all together.  Life felt so happy, content and SO beautiful!!  There were a lot of times when I would begin to pray and all I could get out was "thank you, thank you, thank you" because my life felt so blessed.  I was seeing positive things happening in my classroom with my challenging students and life just felt so good.  By the end of January, it was clear that Covid 19 was spreading and that we wouldn't be going to China at the end of February.  But even that felt like a blessing--our trip was postponed until March of 2021 and we are going over spring break so we'll only have to miss a couple of days of school instead of 9-10.  And my mom is going to come with us.  And as I mentioned, I spent 6 months studying the role of women in the priesthood and I was attending the temple nearly every week and life was really, really great.  By March 12, Covid was spreading more and many things were being closed down--including church, but at first it seemed like it would only last a couple of weeks.  On March 13, I taught my students and then sent them home for the weekend.  If I'd only known that I wouldn't see them face to face again this school year, I would have done things differently.  That night, March 13, it was announced that schools would close until May 1.  And so I began teaching remotely, from home.

A post went around Facebook on April 2 that had this information:

April 2, 2020

School closures -all students on distance learning.

Self-distancing measures on the rise.

Tape on the floors at grocery stores and others to help distance shoppers (6ft) from each other.

Limited number of people inside stores, therefore, lineups outside the store doors.

Wear a mask when you leave your house.

Non-essential stores and businesses mandated closed.

Parks, trails, entire cities locked up.

Entire sports seasons cancelled.

Concerts, tours, festivals, entertainment events - cancelled.

Weddings, family celebrations, holiday gatherings - cancelled.

No masses, churches are closed.

No gatherings of 50 or more, then 20 or more, now 5 or more.

Don't socialize with anyone outside of your home.

Children's outdoor play parks are closed.

We are to distance from each other.

Shortage of masks, gowns, gloves for our front-line workers.

Shortage of ventilators for the critically ill.

Panic buying sets in and we have no toilet paper, no disinfecting supplies, no paper towels, no laundry soap, no hand sanitizer.

Shelves are bare.

Manufacturers, distilleries and other businesses switch their lines to help make visors, masks, hand sanitizer and PPE.

Government closes the border to all non-essential travel.

Stadiums and recreation facilities open up for the overflow of Covid-19 patients.

Press conferences daily from the President. Daily updates on new cases, recoveries, and deaths.

Government incentives to stay home.

Barely anyone on the roads.

People wearing masks and gloves outside.

Essential service workers are terrified to go to work.

Medical field workers are afraid to go home to their families.

This is the Novel Coronavirus (Covid-19) Pandemic, declared March 11th, 2020.

Why, you ask, do I write this status?

One day it will show up in my memory feed, and it will be a yearly reminder that life is precious and not to take the things we dearly love for granted.

We have so much!

Be thankful. Be grateful.

Be kind to each other - love one another - support everyone.

We are all one!

Since March 13, here's a summary of events:

1.  Toilet paper, canned foods, cleaning supplies were almost impossible to find for about a month.  Things are getting better but some items are very over priced.
2.  On March 18, there was a 5.7 earthquake in Magna, Utah.  After that, there were more than a thousand aftershocks, lasting weeks.  We didn't feel all of them but we felt many of them.  It was nerve wracking and made all of us tense and nervous.
3.  Michelle and Ella (and all Hunter High students and staff) were under quarantine for two weeks as there were two confirmed cases at their school.  They weren't allowed to leave the house.
4.  I quickly had to figure out how to teach from the computer.  The first several weeks that was more than a full time job.  It was exhausting.  After I figured things out, I am working less hours than I was teaching full time...but I also don't feel as effective.  One of my students has done NO work since school was closed.  Several of my students have done very little.  And I have tried to reach out...but there's only so much I can do from my home.
5.  All temples closed for over a month.  Now a few temples are opening for live sealings only.  But only one sealing can be done at a time, they can only have a few guests, everything is sanitized afterward and only a couple of temple workers are there.  No other ordinances, including live endowments, right now.  I have not been to the temple in more than two months and I miss it desperately!
6.  No church for over two months.  We do church at home.  Priesthood brethren are authorized to perform the sacrament in their own homes.  For just over a month, they could not go into other people's homes to perform the sacrament...so in a 6 week period we only received the sacrament once.  Now we are receiving it each week, thanks to our ministering brothers.
7.  School ended up being closed for the rest of the school year.  It remains to be seen whether we will be back in the fall and under what circumstances.
8.  Utah and most of the nation was instructed to "stay home, stay safe" and most businesses were closed.  May 1, many of the restrictions were lessened and many businesses opened.  Gatherings of up to 20 people were authorized in the state of Utah.
9.  In Utah--as of today, there are 6,913 confirmed cases of Covid 19 with 77 deaths.  In the United States, there are 1.52 million cases with 89, 785 deaths and worldwide there are 4.69 million confirmed cases with 313,000 deaths.
10.  I am using Microsoft Teams to communicate with and teach my students.   We use Zoom for holding virtual YW activities and for ward council, presidency meetings, etc.
11.  I am grateful every day for texting, phone calls, and other technology.
12.  I miss the young women so VERY much.  I have had very little contact with two of them and only minimal contact with two more...despite my efforts to the contrary.  I miss them and I worry about them and I pray for them.  I'm trying to continue to connect with them by dropping off things and by texting and by mailing letters and so on...but it's not the same.  I miss teaching them.  I miss hugging them.  I miss laughing with them.
13.  Sara and I go walking almost every week day, 6 feet apart.  Beth Peterson joins us most days.  It helps immensely.  But I am noticing that I have less gospel insights to share, less to talk about in general.
14.  Trek was cancelled.  All pageants were cancelled.  Girls camp was cancelled.  Oakcrest was cancelled.  Our long-awaited trip to El Salvador to meet Alfredo's family is almost certainly postponed.  Gabby's 12th birthday trip will happen next year...just before she turns 13.
15.  Gabby hates doing school online. She cries almost every day.   Sometimes I am really patient and encouraging...and sometimes I am not very patient.
16.  My word for 2020 was hope.  I have been trying to cling to hope...to see any good in this.  So many people seem to see so much good and mostly I hate this time period.  I do have more time with my family...but we have all been so sad about so many things that it hasn't been as wonderful as I would hope.

How I Hear Him

This year, we celebrate the bicentennial of Joseph Smith's remarkable First Vision and the restoration of the church.  In the Sacred Grove, God the Father introduced Jesus by saying, "This is my beloved Son.  Hear Him."  President Nelson and the apostles have invited us to consider how we Hear Him and how we can hear, heed and hearken better to the Savior's words.

There are a variety of ways I am able to Hear Him...and I imagine they are pretty similar to how others Hear Him.

Most often I recognize that I hear Him when I embark in serving others.  I will have a thought to do something for someone else--sometimes a thought that seems silly or unusual--and sometimes I feel embarrassed to act.  But so many times, I have learned that my act helped the person know that God was aware of them and watching over them.  As I serve others, I sometimes feel God's love for them in overwhelming and powerful ways.  And when I have these experiences, I know that God loves me just as He loves them.  I hear Him as I feel His immense love for me and for others.

I hear Him when I am in the temple.  I learn of Him, listen to His words and feel encircled in His love.  I am reminded of the tremendous sacrifice that He made in my behalf and I come to better understand His role as my Savior, Redeemer, Exemplar, Rock, Advocate, King, Prince of Peace, and more.  I gain a better understanding of my mission and my purpose and the power and blessings I have been given as a covenant daughter of God.  I see more clearly who I am and whose I am as I enter the sacred walls of the temple.

I hear Him as I study the scriptures and the words of the living prophets and apostles.  I had a beautiful experience.  Several years ago while watching conference, I received a prompting that after conference ended, I should study each talk and record each statement made about each individual member of the Godhead.  I got a notebook and made sections for God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost and then as I read and studied the conference talks, I wrote down each thing the speakers said about them.  This was such a powerful experience that I continued this for a couple of years.  My knowledge of their individual and shared attributes, responsibilities and roles grew as did my love for them.  I could hear Them better.  One of my favorite quotes is from President Benson, “Nothing is going to startle us more when we pass through the veil to the other side than to realize how well we know our Father and how familiar His face is to us.”  I believe that...but I also hope that through my study and prayer and faith, that They become more and more familiar to me.

I so often Hear Him as I gather with others to study, to teach, and to testify of Christ.  I Hear Him as I study scriptures with my family.  As a teenager, I know I heard Him as I went to girls camp and felt His love for me...and as we sang songs, felt the spirit and bore testimony.  I heard Him as my young women leaders bore witness of Christ and as my beloved seminary teacher taught me to study, ponder and love the scriptures.  I heard Him as my parents and grandparents taught me the truths of the gospel.  And I continue to hear Him as I gather with friends and neighbors and we teach, testify and are edified together.  (I know that during this unusual time of the pandemic we are not gathering in person outside of our families...but I still benefit from gathering with others online, through text, on zoom, etc. to teach and testify and I look forward to the day when I can gather with others in person again.  I benefit so much from learning together.)


I hear Him as I repent, as I strive to become better, as I turn to Him in prayer.  I hear Him as I teach about Him in my family and with others.  I hear Him as I ask for His help and see that He enables me to do and be more than I am on my own.  I hear Him as I listen to hymns and as I fill my life with things that invite the spirit.  I hear Him as I read good books, listen to uplifting podcasts, and discuss what I am learning with others. I also notice that I hear Him better when I take time to be still and to ponder.  And I hear him better when I eliminate anything from my life that might withdraw me from the Spirit.  I have found that as I become more and more careful what I view, listen to, and read that I can hear Him better.  Finally, I hear Him better when I take time to consistently notice His goodness and express gratitude for my countless blessings.

My words are inadequate to express my gratitude for His influence in my life.  I know my Savior lives and my prayer is for these words (from Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing) to occur in my life:

"O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above."

Go and Do

We had New Beginnings at the beginning of February.  I shared a few thoughts but afterward didn't feel like I had adequately expressed what I wanted to share with the young women.  So I wrote them a letter.  Here's most of what I shared:

Last week was New Beginnings.  I shared a few thoughts about 1 Nephi 3:7, "go and do"...but after coming home I just felt like I hadn't adequately expressed what was in my heart.  And I keep thinking about it.  So I'd like to share just a few thoughts with you about this year's youth theme...hopefully better expressing what is in my heart and what I think Heavenly Father wants you to know.  I know that my words will fall short of being able to fully express what is in my heart, but I hope that you'll be able to feel the truth in my words and feel the love I have for you and for the Savior.  I imagine you are all familiar with this verse.  Nephi and his brothers have been commanded to get the plates from Laban.  Their attempts have been unsuccessful and Laman and Lemuel think they should head back to their parents. But Nephi refuses to give up because he has faith that when God asks him to do something then God will help him to be able to do what he has asked.  And then Laban is delivered into his hands and he gets the plates.  I shared a few stories of several faithful women that were asked to do hard things and responded with faith that they would go and do.  One of my very favorite stories is of Esther.  Esther was a Jewish woman and was married to the king.  He didn't know she was a Jew and a law was passed to put all the Jews to death.  Esther's uncle Mordecai came to her and told her to go in to her husband and plead for him to save her people....at that time even entering the king's presence without being summoned could be a death sentence.  Her uncle said, "who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?"  Esther fasted and prayed and went in to the king and her people were saved.  Like Esther, you were sent to Earth at this time because you have a role to play.  Your role isn't the same, but it is just as important.    

Another woman of great faith is the widow of Zarephath.  There was a famine in the land.  Elijah, the prophet, was told to go to Zarephath and there he would find someone to feed him.  He met the widow who was gathering two sticks to make a small fire with which to make her last meal for herself and her son and then they would die.  Elijah told her that if she would make him food first, then her cruse of oil and her flour would not fail...in other words she would continue to have food.  It must have taken such courage and faith to give her last food to Elijah when her son was starving!!  I can hardly imagine. But she trusted in the prophet and 1 Kings 17 tells us:  "And she awent and did according to the saying of Elijah: and she, and he, and her house, did eat many days." 

During the pioneer era, the Martin and Willie Handcart companies started late and experienced great difficulties.  When Brigham Young heard of their plight, he spoke to the Saints in Salt Lake during General Conference and said that they must go and rescue those in the handcart companies.  Many women pulled off their stockings and shoes right in the conference and piled them up to be taken!  They hurried home and gathered blankets and other supplies.  They had already made the difficult journey and most of them probably didn't have much.  But they didn't refuse to share what little they had.  They immediately gave what they could to help in the rescue efforts. 

At New Beginnings I also shared a couple of personal experiences when I have been asked to do something that seemed hard for me at the time but I determined to go and do and received blessings from my obedience.   

Now I have recounted these stories and there are probably many lessons that could be learned from them.  The importance of obedience.  The need for courage.  The blessings that come when we "go and do".  But I worry that as I recounted these stories, my emphasis was too much on what these faithful women did.  And while there is much we can learn from and emulate in the lives of these women, I don't think I focused enough on what is perhaps the most important part.  Nephi didn't just say he would go and do and that he'd accomplish the task. He pointed out that if he chose to go and do what THE LORD COMMANDED, then he knew he would succeed because THE LORD would prepare a way.  Esther was courageous and the widow of Zarephath was full of faith and the pioneer women were selfless.  But the reason that each was successful in doing what the Lord had asked is because the Lord helped them.  A couple of years ago, I realized that I was holding on to some hurt and anger.  Someone else had hurt me and I wasn't forgiving that individual or choosing to act in loving ways toward that person.  And I knew...from direction given in conference talks as well as from inspiration from the Holy Ghost...that I needed to forgive and I needed to act in loving ways even if the other person didn't.  I will be honest.  It was hard.  I shed more than a few tears.  But I came to see ways in which I was not acting in loving ways and ways in which I had hurt the other person as well.  And with a lot of help from the Savior, I found healing and I learned to act more like He would.  I can absolutely tell you that it wasn't because of anything great in me.  I still struggle often to react in kind and patient ways when someone isn't being kind to me.  But when someone isn't being kind to me and I want to lash out (and far too often I do), if I will take a deep breath, and say a prayer asking for strength beyond my own, then I am able to be kinder and more loving than is in my nature. 

I haven't saved a nation or fed a starving prophet with my own last meal or built a ship or gotten the plates from Laban or been protected in a lion's den.  But I have been asked to do things that were hard for me...to forgive others who had hurt me.  To accept callings that were beyond what I thought I was capable of doing.  To go to church by myself with 3 young children when my husband wasn't very active in the church.  To study the scriptures daily when that seemed impossible to me as a 14 year old girl.  To do more than seemed possible with the time I had.  To act on promptings that didn't make sense.   And here is what I have learned.  There's an awful lot that I am not that good at or that I couldn't do on my own.  BUT Every. Single. Time. I trust in the Lord and I "go and do" the things the Lord asks me (whether that is through the scriptures, the words of the prophet, or through personal promptings/revelation), He helps me to be more and do more than I could on my own.  I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me (Philippians 4:13)....and so can you!  

I have been studying and pondering the names of Christ.  Each name can help us learn something about Him.  I have a favorite name of Christ.  I mean I love many of his names....Savior, Redeemer, High Priest of Good Things to Come, Advocate, Holy One of Israel, the Good Shepherd, the Lamb of God, the Prince of Peace.   But my favorite name of Christ is Emmanuel which means God with Us.  Because I know He is.  Sometimes when I am going through a hard time, I can feel Him close.  I can feel Him comforting me. A couple of nights ago I was reading 2 Nephi 1 and I just absolutely love verse 15:  "But behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his glory, and I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love."   Can you imagine that/feel that?  Have you had times when you have felt like He was wrapping His arms around you and holding you tight?  I have.  And can you imagine what it will be like when we see Him again after we leave this life and He is able to encircle us in a giant hug?  Oh I just can't wait for that!   But you know what?  Sometimes when I am going through a hard time, I don't feel that.  I can remember a time about 8 years ago when I felt very overwhelmed and very tired and very alone.  And I just wasn't sure if I could keep doing what I was doing.  I began to wonder if maybe, possibly, things would be easier if I didn't go to church.  Maybe it would give me more time to complete the tasks on my to-do list.  Maybe he wasn't there...at the very least I couldn't seem to feel Him there.  And I kept praying and for several months no help seemed to come.  Where was God?  I was trying to do the right things but I felt tired and alone.  I can't adequately explain what happened but a couple of things happened that let me know that He was there and He was aware of me.  Elder Holland gave a talk that was shared in a 5th Sunday meeting that helped me see that I was needed, I was known and I had some areas I needed to improve in.  Explaining it like that truly doesn't adequately express how my heart changed that day.  But I committed to do my very best to always be the disciple of Christ He needed me to be.  And it has led to countless changes and blessings.   Even though I hadn't been able to see Him there, He was with me and He was orchestrating things so I would be ready to hear the message that my heart needed.   And I know He is there with you, beside you, as well.  And He always will be.  No matter what.  He loves you.  He desires to bless you.  Let me share one more verse of scripture with you that I love:  Jacob 6:5  "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, I beseech of you in words of soberness that ye would repent, and come with full purpose of heart, and cleave unto God as he cleaveth unto you. And while his arm of mercy is extended towards you in the light of the day, harden not your hearts."   All of us need to repent...and all of us need to come unto Christ.  Repentance is such a beautiful gift.  But the part that I love so much is when it says to cleave unto God as he cleaves to you and that His arm of mercy is extended to you.   It's a lot like 2 Nephi 1:15.  He is holding on to you, loving you, leading you.  Are you holding on to Him, trusting Him, allowing Him to guide you?   He is trying to encircle you in His love...are you hugging Him back or pushing Him away?   He's still there...but you will find greater peace and joy and the ability to "go and do" so much more if you are cleaving to Him, trusting Him. 

Oh how I love you!   I can't ever truly tell you how I feel about you or about the Savior for I just don't have words. But I express gratitude daily for the blessing it is to be in young women's with you and I express gratitude daily for a Savior who is Emmanuel...God with us.  I know He is! 

1 Nephi 1-7

It is only the second week of January, heading into the third.  And I loved Come Follow Me last year and learned so much.  But I have read and studied the Book of Mormon a lot and while I was excited to study the Book of Mormon, I hadn't expected to have so many insights and a-has.  But I think that is the power of studying with others...because the Bennetts shared some great insights last Sunday and because Sara, Jackie, Laurel and I often text about gospel insights.  And so this week has been so beautiful and I have learned so much.

One thing the Bennetts pointed out was how many similarities there are between what Lehi experienced (see 1 Nephi 1:5-9) and what Joseph Smith did.  They both prayed.  They both saw a pillar of light.  They both quaked and trembled.  Both saw Jesus, though Lehi's sounds more like a dream/vision and Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ actually appeared to Joseph so they aren't exactly the same but I bet that was so comforting for Joseph to begin translating and have this experience be one of the first things he read.

We talked about why the Lord didn't tell Lehi to get the plates from Laban and get Ishmael's family and then go into the wilderness.  We don't know for sure, but here are some thoughts.  First, they had a long and arduous journey ahead of them.  Maybe part of the reason was to strengthen them...physically and spiritually...certainly it helped them see that God could and would help them, helped them recognize the importance of these plates, and helped them to trust God.  But it probably also hAd some physical benefits as well.  Maybe that was a small part of why the pioneers had to move to Kirtland then Jackson County then Nauvoo...all the moving prepared them physically and spiritually to be able and ready to respond to a prophet's call to head west.

It's also possible that Lehi's life was in such danger that if he waited, his life might have been taken.

Another thought I had was this...when I get a prompting and act, sometimes I can see why I received that prompting and sometimes I can't.  But I often  feel peace that I acted on the prompting. But if I don't act right Away, I often begin to doubt myself...thinking that it was probably just my own thoughts or that I am being silly and it doesn't make sense to do XYZ. I justify not acting and doubt the reality or origin of the prompting.  Maybe if Lehi didn't act quickly, he would have begun to doubt that this was revelation and not just a dream.

Another possibility shared on-line was that by sending them Back and having them approach Laban a couple of times, it gave Laban the chance to soften his heart.  He didn't but the Lord gave Him this chance to repent.


Tender Mercies:  One of the purposes of the Book of Mormon is to show the Lord's tender mercies toward His children.  That's one of the things I am watching for as I read the Book of Mormon this year.  But it's also my goal for each of us to record His tender mercies weekly.  I'm trying to do it each day, but I'm encouraging my girls to record something each week on Sunday.  I'm seeing the Lord's hand in my life so much more clearly already.  I'm so thankful.  One thought I had was that several people pointed out that we seem to see God's tender mercies better when we are in the midst of a trial.  After thinking about this, I decided that clearly God loves us all the time and is doing things for us all the time.  But as  a parent, I don't feel tender when my kids win a contest or reach a goal or everything is going well.  I rejoice with them, I cheer for them and I deeply love them but the feeling within isn't exactly one of tenderness.  But when they fall and scrape their knee, or they fail the math test that they studied hard for, or they don't get a part in the play or something else hard happens, then I want to hold them and reassure them and I feel very tenderly toward them.  My love hasn't changed but they can probably feel my tenderness in a different way than when I am cheering them on when things are good.  I think that is probably true for us as well in our relationship with our Heavenly Father.  I am slowly getting better at seeing His hand in the good and bad times.

Goals for 2020

I have so much I want to experience in 2020. But I loved having an overall Focus for 2019. On Instagram I saw this post/ this idea @work.and.wonder to write what I am because starting with what you are gives support to become what you want to be and helps manifest those things into your life. It felt like a beautiful way to summarize my hopes for how I want to live this year (though I also have specific, written down goals). I love the quote from Joel Osteen: "I am not who people say I am. I am who God says I am. Whatever follows 'I am' will surely find us."