Last week I finally got some of my thoughts and feelings about the past two months recorded. And I intentionally tried to record some of the positive things about the past two months. I needed that because if I'm being really honest, it has been a hard two months. So many little heartbreaks and challenges. And I DO know that I'm richly blessed and that I live a life of privilege and that I have far more to be grateful for than upset about. And yet, I have genuinely struggled to maintain hope and a positive outlook. I have genuinely struggled to choose joy. In fact, I have gone in the bathroom and cried on a number of occasions. I have texted Sara to see if I could call her and then cried my eyes out about a variety of things. I have felt sad and worried and lonely and overwhelmed and even a bit crazy. I get on social media (which is usually a positive thing in my life...I am careful who I follow/friend and have a lot of uplifting content) and often find myself frustrated...if a post is too upbeat and cheerful and "feel good", I feel frustrated...both that I can't seem to muster that same kind of enthusiasm and also I feel like telling the person, "Are you completely unaware that people are suffering right now? This is not a super happy time period." If I read a post that is more like my own thoughts--mourning a lost vacation or some other "small" thing, I feel like saying, "Don't you recognize how blessed you are? Where is your gratitude?" I've worked really hard over the past couple of years to change the way I speak to myself...but much of my inner frustration toward social media posts are my indirect way of criticizing my own instability lately. I'm not nearly as strong or optimistic or hopeful as I thought. I have seen my own weakness and complaining nature more than I would like.
And I have seen more clearly that I am a bit of a worrier. I worry about other people and how this is affecting them.
I worry about my students that aren't doing much/any work. It's my JOB to educate them and I feel far from successful at that over the past two months. That isn't to say that I'm not trying. I've learned a lot and done the best I knew how to do under the circumstances. But my class never took a single field trip. I never got to teach them my favorite science unit (well--I sort of did through remote learning, but I guarantee it wasn't nearly as great as it would have been in person!) I never got to hug them goodbye or create our art portfolio and writing portfolio that we usually create. And one of them I have had NO contact with since school stopped. Several others, the contact has been limited. How can I truly do my job while sitting at a computer?
I worry about my young women. I haven't seen some of them face to face since this began. A couple of them have been really hard to be in contact with. I have tried. I text. I send group messages. I mailed each girl a card. I have dropped off treats. I've done the best I could to stay in contact but not with as much success as I would like. I love these young women. So very much. One of the highlights of my week (both before and during Covid) is seeing them...and I do love our virtual activities. But typically a little less than half join our virtual activities. I don't feel like I am meeting their needs or loving them as well as I would like--despite my efforts. As I was sharing some of my thoughts and feelings about this period with a couple of friends through text, one friend (La) wrote:
"
It's hard because I feel like that picture, that one that suddenly was everywhere after the earthquake, of the storm raging outside, but within the walls of my home, I feel safe. I forget that there are so many suffering because their walls aren't holding up against that storm, or their windows are open and they're oblivious of the danger being let in. I'm so blessed and oftentimes forget those ones that aren't coming to the activities, or reaching out and responding to your efforts. It makes me so so sad.
Is it perhaps, Jenny, that you feel further distanced from your girls, your flock of young women, that it's hard to help them strengthen their walls, or close their windows from the storm? I can see that and I can feel your mother heart ache because they are your little flock. You have a stewardship over them and it's hard almost to feel like we are useless in our aid. "
(The painting she refers to is by The Color Amber and shows a husband and wife holding up the walls of their home as the wife holds a baby.)
My reply to Laurel was this: “Yes La! You explained it so well. As you sent that I was typing this, which is so similar: Ok--this line from Brother Holmes' talk just might sum up a big part of why these past two months have been so hard: "To get the gospel of Jesus Christ deep in our hearts, we need to engage in it-to give our time and talents to it, to sacrifice for it. We all want to live a life of meaning..." I feel like much of my ability to engage and sacrifice and give time and talents--and to help my children do so as well--has been limited. There are people sacrificing so much and I am sitting in my house. There are students not getting an education and I am sitting at a computer. I need to do more. I have enjoyed having more time with my children but I would enjoy it more if there weren't so much sadness including for them. And I have a hard class this year but I was seeing some miracles start to happen for some of them and now...who knows? One boy that has struggled but come so far is really, really struggling now. I hate that I didn't get to finish the year and finish my responsibilities with them. And then I feel guilty that helping my own children isn't enough... I know that my greatest responsibility is in my home. but they are just as desperate as I am for this to end. ”
I worry about complete strangers. Yes, I worry about this virus and its impact on lives. But I also really worry about the impact of all these closures. Those who are most vulnerable are in even more possible danger now. I worry about children who are home alone while their parents must still go to work. I worry about children whose parents no longer work--and perhaps are struggling to have food and shelter. And the results of those struggles. I have read that divorce is on the rise. Domestic violence is on the rise. Fraudulent scams are on the rise. Suicide is on the rise. Real people are hurting. Both from the disease but also as a result of the impact of closing schools and businesses, isolating people, removing the social supports that can often help those most vulnerable.
And it has just been hard. My sweet Gabby, who usually loves and does so well at school, cried nearly every school day. She hated the online school work. She missed her friends. She missed her teacher. She was suddenly filled with all kinds of anxiety about school work and wanted everything to be perfect but also on a lot of days felt almost unable to pull it together to do her work. She missed 6th grade awards ceremony, Lagoon day, 6th grade promotion, and all the fun end of year activities. She left Hunter Elementary without any of the normal things that bring a sense of closure and preparation to progress.
Michelle missed almost two months of work. Michelle and Ella missed school events...yearbook signing, sports events, etc. Michelle didn't have a junior prom. Three of my young women graduate and they had a "drive through" graduation and then a ceremony online. Several teachers I know retired and there was no big retirement party to celebrate their 30-40 years of teaching. Funerals have to be virtual with only a few family members present. Young adults are having small weddings with only a few family members and for nearly two months weren't able to be sealed in the temple...even now that is only a possibility in a few temples. Missionaries came home and had to make difficult decisions about what to do--whether to go back out or not..and missionaries who were about to leave had to make difficult decisions about what to do.
I already wrote about the cancellation of trips and girls camp and trek. I KNOW these things aren't as bad as losing someone you love to this horrible disease. I know that in the eternal scheme of things, these are small losses. But it was supposed to be Michelle's last year of camp and Gabby's first year...and we were ALL going to be there together. It might work out for us to all be at camp together next year...but it might not. I feel sad that we missed that experience. We have been planning to go to El Salvador for years. Alfredo and I will celebrate our 19th anniversary in August and I have never met his family face to face. We were so excited to go meet them and make priceless memories as a family. I'm heartbroken that this will have to wait for another year. And I've felt so strongly that I need to begin gathering more family history information about Alfredo's family. But we haven't really gotten any response when we've asked over technology. I was hoping--at the very least--to get some family stories and maybe some names and dates while we were there visiting.
The girls all set goals to go to the temple at least twice a month and I feel sad that they can't. I miss the temple SO much. I'm grateful for the covenants I have made and have clung to my knowledge and understanding of the power my covenants give me. I long to be in the temple. I planned to visit several more temples with my girls this summer and now that is unlikely to happen.
And I miss church SO much. The girls and I have done our best to make Sundays meaningful. They help prepare lessons. We dress in Sunday dress. But here's the thing. First, in the first 6 weeks of all of this, we were only able to have the sacrament once. That was killing me. I know people have endured worse...but I really, really missed it. I know life isn't fair, but it felt incredibly unfair. The sacrament, church, and the temple are where I draw so much of my strength. And I lost all 3 in one weekend. Thankfully, we are getting the sacrament now, and I truly am SO grateful. But I cried almost every Sunday for the first month. I'd have home church with my girls and it was good. But before all of this happened, we would have two hours of church and then each Sunday afternoon, we would meet with the Bennetts and have a Come Follow Me lesson. So we were doing our own version of "home church" and having actual church. So despite our efforts to honor the Sabbath, it doesn't feel as good (for any of us) as what we were doing before. We miss having the Bennetts over. We miss gathering with others. I miss teaching the young women and learning from others and bearing witness of the truth in groups and learning and being edified together. When 2 hour church was announced and Come Follow Me, I struggled with the announcement. I was excited about Come Follow Me. I embraced that immediately and have tried to be diligent in teaching my children and studying the lessons and studying scripture with my girls. But I love church. It fills my spirit in ways that I can't entirely replicate on my own. I love Sunday School. I love young womens. I didn't want to have to switch off between the two. Also, I remember talking with Sara and asking if she thought this meant that the day would come when we would have to do church at home and wouldn't be able to gather. That thought made me so sad and worried. But I figured that if that day came, it would be years in the future. Now I have been very thankful that the Lord has prepared us with the Come Follow Me program and many other things such as ministering and online donations and indexing and so on. I truly am. But I want it all. I want church AND Come Follow Me. I want the temple AND indexing. I want to be immersed completely in all that the church has to offer. I want to gather with my fellow Saints and worship the Savior together. Part of our baptismal covenant is to mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort...and right now that is probably every single person...but because I'm not seeing them, it feels harder to know who needs what and when. And when I can't visit in people's homes and some people are nervous for me to even drop stuff off, it's harder to serve and strengthen. In Real Talk Come Follow Me last week, they said that we promise to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort...not necessarily to fix the problem...and that often the best way to do this is to DO something WITH that person. Spend time with them. But if we have to social distance, that is hard if not impossible.
1 miss hugs.
For the first month and a half, I didn't see my parents. We went once and sat outside 8-10 feet apart and didn't get close. But that was it. Then the week before Mother's Day they asked us to come paint their garage and they invited us inside. We also went to visit on Mother's Day and had dinner with them and hugged them goodbye. SO that is better. But also I worry. We are being pretty careful...but what if we somehow unknowingly expose them?
I am trying to find ways to serve meaningfully.
As we played a game together today, I didn't feel the same thrill as normal. We play games so often that it doesn't feel as special. I do like having extra family time but I also need us to have structure and routine and purpose. I am not great at providing those things when we don't have a school schedule.
Lots of hard. I'm trying hard to look for the good and doing better each week at finding it. But there has been LOTS of hard.
