Generosity Stranger Grocery

 A couple of years ago I went grocery shopping at Winco.  Winco is fantastic...but doesn't accept credit cards, only debit cards, cash or checks...and you bag your own groceries.  I got all my groceries and got in line and began bagging my groceries.  When the cashier was nearly done scanning all of my purchases, I began to look through my wallet for my debit card.  It wasn't there.  And neither was my checkbook.  I had no way to pay.  I looked again.  Nothing.  I was mortified and frustrated...and asked the cashier if there were a way to suspend the transaction so I could run home and get my checkbook (if I couldn't find my debit card...I wasn't sure where it would be if not in my purse) and come back.  I apologized profusely.  Just as she was about to suspend the transaction, the couple behind me in line offered to pay for my groceries.  It was a couple hundred dollars and I asked them if they were sure. They said yes. I asked for their names and number so I could repay them and they said no...just pay it forward some day.  I thanked them again and loaded the rest of my groceries into my cart and headed home.  I was humbled and grateful for their generosity.  

LESSONS LEARNED:  We all make mistakes or have times when we need the help of others.  Accept it gratefully.

Be generous and kind to others.  

Hope 2020 Needed

 As 2020 approached, I pondered what word I might choose as my focus for the year.  It seemed strange but I felt led to choose hope.  It seemed strange because I felt filled with hope and excitement.  2020 was going to be our year!  We had two big trips planned...one to China in February and one to El Salvador in June.  In addition, Gabby and I would take her 12th birthday trip.  And Michelle, Ella and I would go on trek.  And Michelle, Ella, Gabby and I would all go to girls camp together.  It was guaranteed to be a really, special, memorable and happy year.  We'd had some challenges in the past couple of years but I just knew this year was going to be our best year yet.  So I wasn't sure why hope would be the word for the year.

And then we began hearing about the corona virus in China in January.  And soon, it was clear that our trip to China would not be happening.  But it was okay!  The tour company allowed us to postpone for spring of 2021 over spring break and in several ways that was going to be even better.  I just felt so blessed.

But then March 2020 came and the corona virus was spreading worldwide.  Cases were being reported in the US.  Fear was growing along with uncertainty.  And then things shut down.  And there was an earthquake.  But even then while I hated being in actual quarantine for a couple of weeks, I reasoned that things would improve quickly.  I would never have expected that nearly 6 months later, many things would still be so different.  Temples were closed completely for a couple of months and have slowly opened for living ordinances...which means it has been about 6 months since I attended the temple.  Church was closed for about 3 months and then we were able to return every other week in small groups.  There are ward members I haven't seen in months.  There are a couple of YW I haven't seen or have only seen a couple of times in 6 months.  When schools closed, I struggled to teach online and help my own children with their schooling.  It was overwhelming and exhausting and hard...and now school begins again for me on Tuesday and I am still teaching online.  My children are in school in person, 4 days per week...wearing masks.  And we are so grateful for that. 

Not to mention there has been civil unrest and racial tension and so much heartache.

There have been so many uncertainties and challenges and worries and fears and doubts.  Did the Lord know what He was doing when he inspired me to choose the word HOPE for 2020?  Absolutely!  I've clung to that word and to the source of my hope...the Savior.  Some days that's what has literally kept me going and kept me from falling completely apart.  We've adjusted and I don't feel the desperation that I felt in April and May.  But I still cling to my hope.

I love these words from Elder Holland in April 2020 conference:

"Indeed, if we finally lose hope, we lose our last sustaining possession. It was over the very gate of hell that Dante wrote a warning to all those traveling through his Divina Commedia: “Abandon all hope,” he said, “ye who enter here.”¹⁶ Truly when hope is gone, what we have left is the flame of the inferno raging on every side."

And "I testify that the future is going to be as miracle-filled and bountifully blessed as the past has been. We have every reason to hope for blessings even greater than those we have already received because this is the work of Almighty God, this is the Church of continuing revelation, this is the gospel of Christ’s unlimited grace and benevolence."

We have every reason to hope!  Every reason!

President Nelson said, "Our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, will perform some of His mightiest works between now and when He comes again. We will see miraculous indications that God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, preside over this Church in majesty and glory."

That gives me great reason to hope!

LESSONS LEARNED:  There is hope smiling brightly before us.  We have every reason to hope.

The Lord knows what we need, even before we do.

Mom Letter OK

My parents divorced when I was in 8th grade.  This was a very difficult time for me for many reasons.  A few months after my parents' divorce, I went to youth conference.  As part of youth conference, leaders asked each parent to write a letter to their child.  (We have parents write a letter to their daughters every year for camp but when I was a teen this was not a common practice in my area.  As far as I can remember this was the only letter my mom wrote to me during my teenage years.)  We were given our letters and allowed to spread out, find a quiet spot, read our letters and write in our journals.  My mom wrote about how difficult things had been recently.  She said that one day as she was thinking and praying about things, she felt Heavenly Father comfort her and tell her it was all going to be okay.  She said she didn't know exactly what that meant for our family but she knew it was true.  That letter brought me such comfort.  It didn't make everything easy...and in some ways things felt like they got harder for awhile.  But looking back now, I can see the fulfillment of these promises.  Things are okay.  There have been and still are challenges, but my mom is happily remarried/sealed to my wonderful stepfather, my dad has made many changes and is active in the church and our family is strong and we are more than okay.  I'm so grateful for this assurance from my mom and from my Heavenly Father.  And I'm grateful to see that promise fulfilled.

LESSONS LEARNED:  Even in the midst of hard times, we can trust that ultimately things will be okay if we trust in the Lord.

It may take time to see promises fulfilled, but we can remember "I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say." (D&C 82:10). 

Holland Devoted Disciple

 Back in 2012, life felt overwhelming.  I was working full time as a teacher in a challenging, Title 1 school and had a young family.  Alfredo wasn't very active in the Church and so I usually took my children to church alone and sometimes he seemed frustrated that we went.  It was just hard.  And I began to wonder if maybe life would be easier if I stopped going for awhile. I knew the Church was true but it was just so hard. I also began to pray that I'd have help to better manage my responsibilities which felt heavy.  

On a 5th Sunday, I attended a combined meeting for all adults during the 3rd hour. Our Bishop spoke for a few minutes and then played a message from Elder Holland.  I think it had been given to missionaries though I'm not certain.   But that talk changed my life.  I would be able to repeat only the main idea of the talk except that a few months later, in October General Conference, Elder Holland shared nearly the same talk in conference. It is my very favorite talk ever given,  The First Great Commandment.  In this talk he said,

“If ye love me, keep my commandments,”¹⁴ Jesus said. So we have neighbors to bless, children to protect, the poor to lift up, and the truth to defend. We have wrongs to make right, truths to share, and good to do. In short, we have a life of devoted discipleship to give in demonstrating our love of the Lord. We can’t quit and we can’t go back. After an encounter with the living Son of the living God, nothing is ever again to be as it was before. The Crucifixion, Atonement, and Resurrection of Jesus Christ mark the beginning of a Christian life, not the end of it. It was this truth, this reality, that allowed a handful of Galilean fishermen-turned-again-Apostles without “a single synagogue or sword”¹⁵ to leave those nets a second time and go on to shape the history of the world in which we now live."

Those words and others he shared seared into my heart and soul.  I knew that I knew the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was true and that I had a life of devoted discipleship to give in demonstrating my love of the Lord.  And I did love Him.  I always have. I knew then that the answer was definitely NOT to stop going to church for awhile.  (And I shudder to think how my life might be now and how my daughter's lives might be now if I had chosen to stop going.  Hopefully someone would have noticed and ministered to us and helped us return.  But how long might that have taken?  What impact might that have had?)

To me, this story would be miraculous and beautiful if it ended right there.  The Lord knew what I was considering...even though I never said it to Him or anyone else.  The Lord knew what I needed to hear that would help me choose Christ in a time of difficulty (and over and over again...whenever I begin to struggle, I reread or relisten to this talk and feel strength and determination flow into me again.)

But the story doesn't end there.  This 5th Sunday lesson took place over the summer.  I soon went back to work and life felt even busier than before.  I was still really struggling to manage all of my responsibilities and often felt like I wasn't very successful at any of them.  I prayed and prayed to know what I could let go of but I didn't feel like there was anything.  In December, I got a phone call asking me to meet with the Bishop.  My husband and I went in and I was called to be the ward Relief Society President.  Now this seems counterintuitive that this would be the answer to my prayer, but it was.  I was exhausted and busy and didn't feel like I could handle all of my responsibilities...and now I had even more responsibilities.  But I quickly found that the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ is real.   I suddenly had time and energy to fulfill my previous responsibilities AND all the new ones I had as Relief Society President.  I suddenly didn't feel continually drained...though I was very busy.  I found that the more consistent I was with scripture study and prayer and serving others and magnifying my calling, the more time and energy I had for my job and my family and my other obligations.  I built relationships that I still treasure.  I learned a lot about myself and a lot about the Savior.  I came to have a much clearer understanding of who I was and what my mission in life is.  I felt the Savior's love for the women I served in very real and tangible ways that I can't fully articulate but that I know are true.  One of the greatest blessings of my life thus far were the combination of that lesson/conference talk and my determination to be a devoted disciple of Christ and the subsequent calling as RS President (which would likely not have happened without that talk from Elder Holland).  I learned lessons that changed how I live.

LESSONS LEARNED:   There are so many but here are the two biggest ones:

Heavenly Father is intimately involved in the details of our lives.  He knows what we need and sometimes He will even answer our unuttered desires when we haven't even formulated them in prayer.  

When we do the best we can to live as we believe, to be devoted disciples of Christ, and to put first things first, the Lord can enable us to do and be more than we are capable of on our own!

Jenny Jeans Forgiveness

 When I was a senior in college, I had a roommate named Jenny.  I really liked her and got along very well with her.  She had this really cute (and quite expensive) pair of jeans and she was kind enough to let me borrow them.  One time when I borrowed them, I got bleach on them while cleaning the apartment and they were ruined.  And I should have gone to her immediately and told her...but it was a week until pay day and I justified that if I just waited until pay day then I could tell her and give her at least part of the cost of the pants.  And really I was also hoping to avoid a conflict.  Well, she wanted to wear them and asked me if I had borrowed them and could I please return them.  And I had to admit what had happened. And she was understandably upset and especially that I hadn't told her about it.  It didn't ruin our friendship or anything...but I felt guilty about that for years.  Soon the semester ended and she got married and I had graduated and soon moved to Salt Lake to teach and I lost contact with her.  Then several years ago, we became Facebook friends.  We've seen each other a couple of times and had some great conversations over Facebook.    But still this experience nagged at me.  So finally I sent her an apology and told her how sorry I was that I'd ruined the pants and especially that I hadn't talked to her about it and that I'd felt bad about it all these years.  She responded that she's always felt bad about that experience too...that her friendship with me was way more important than a pair of jeans.

She wrote:  "I've always wished I never would have said a thing about it.  I'm embarrassed that I didn't just quietly throw them away without even mentioning it.  You were doing something good-cleaning-when you accidentally ruined them.  Things happen.  That is life.  And I wasn't ever really mad or angry about it.  In my mind you were always just good and kind and sweet and focused on all the right things."

At the time that I sent her the apology, I had been doing a lot of reading and thinking about our thoughts and the power they have in our lives.  I wrote this..and I think it's a pretty profound insight that I want to be better at remembering.

"For many years whenever I have thought about our time as roommates that is the main thing that comes to my mind.  That I was not as good of a roommate as I should have been even though you were so kind and so loving and so fun.  But when I have seen you and you introduced me to your children and met my girls, the story you told was of me keeping Dave's secret about proposing to you.  A story that paints me in a much more positive light than the one I so often reflect on.  The reality is that both stories are true....and the reality of who I was as a roommate probably lies somewhere in the middle.  But what stands out to me is that, to a large degree, the narrative I have told myself seems vastly different than the narrative you have told yourself.  You have chosen to focus on the positive things you see in me/remember about that time.  Thank you so much for that!  ...In our relationships, we are dealing with humans who are always a mix of good and bad...but in my experience, if we focus on the good that others do and tell ourselves how good, kind, etc. they are, we will see more and more of that.  But if we begin to focus on the unkind, hurtful things that people do, we see even more of that.  The narratives we tell ourselves--about ourselves and others matter.  Thank you for concentrating on the good in me."

LESSONS LEARNED:  

Apologize/make amends quickly.  Don't carry around guilt for years.

Admit when you have made a mistake. Don't try to hide your mistakes.

Be careful what narratives you tell yourself...about yourself and others.  Conscientiously look for the good.  Remember the best parts of people, not their worst.

Give Birth Strong

 One of the most defining moments of my life was giving birth naturally.  I have never considered myself that courageous or strong.  I am not athletic and I am not a thrill seeker.  I don't like pain.  

When I got pregnant with my first baby, Michelle, I really wanted to deliver naturally.  But I had a very long, exhausting delivery with back labor the whole time and I wasn't progressing.  They ended up putting me on pitocin and I got an epidural.  I was disappointed but mostly really glad that she was here and healthy.

When I was pregnant with Ella, I was hoping that maybe I could deliver naturally.  The day after her due date, I saw my OB.  I was dilated to a 2 1/2 which was fantastic and he said it could happen any day...but if I hadn't had her by the following Wednesday (6 days after her due date) then he would induce me.  I went from the doctor's office to the grocery store and bought a lot of groceries (back then I would buy nearly everything I'd need for a month...and then just go a couple of weeks later and buy the perishable items we needed.)  I started having contractions but figured that I probably just overdid it at the grocery store.  I went home, put away the perishable groceries and decided to lay down.  The contractions didn't stop, but they weren't lasting very long and weren't really painful.  I tried to call my neighbor/visiting teacher who said she would stay with Michelle while I delivered Ella but got no answer.  Alfredo and I both dozed off.  I woke up a little after 10 PM (maybe 10:10 or 10:15)  and the contractions were much stronger.  I woke Alfredo and told him we better head to the hospital.  We called my visiting teacher and it took her about 10 minutes to come over.  When she arrived, I stood up and walked a few steps and told Alfredo we weren't going any where.  He called 911 and they asked if my water had broken.  He turned to ask me and my water broke.  Julie, my visiting teacher, stayed near me and helped keep me calm and breathing while Alfredo ran around grabbing towels and a shoelace and the items the dispatcher told him to grab.  The police arrived.  Then the paramedics and fire fighters.  And then seconds after the paramedics arrived, Ella was born (at about 10:45).  She was healthy and they loaded us into the ambulance to take us to the hospital.  The hospital ride was pure torture for me...even the smallest of bumps felt agonizing...and I must have gone into shock because I was shivering uncontrollably. And I'm fairly certain the paramedic had never delivered a baby before.  He kept asking how much longer until we made it to the hospital.  He also kept pushing, trying to deliver the placenta and that was incredibly painful.  I honestly thought I might die in the ambulance.  Alfredo was worried that I might as well because the paramedic seemed so worried.   We made it to the hospital and a nurse came in and delivered the placenta almost immediately and I felt a thousand times better. So much better.  And Ella nursed well and I felt better than after my labor with Michelle and everything just felt so great.   And I felt so incredibly strong that I delivered her naturally. It was a very empowering experience.  A year later I needed to get my wisdom teeth out and I just had them numb the area but not put me under or give me laughing gas.  I figured if I could give birth naturally then I could handle getting two wisdom teeth out.  There have been a number of times since then that when I thought something felt hard or scary, I would think..."Hey I've delivered a baby naturally at my house.  I can do this."  (I've delivered naturally twice now...Gabby was also delivered naturally at the hospital.)

LESSONS LEARNED:  I'm stronger than I sometimes think I am.

Gerard Now is Time

 I read two things on Sunday that really struck me.  The first was a story in a conference talk by Elder Jack Gerard entitled Now Is the Time.  Just before a business trip, he began to experience chest pain.  His wife decided to accompany him out of concern.  The pain increased as they flew so after the first leg of the journey, they went to the hospital.  After tests, the doctors said he was safe to continue flying.  Just before landing, the captain came over the intercom and asked him to identify himself.  The flight attendants said he'd been misdiagnosed and an ambulance would be waiting to take him to the hospital.  He had a pulmonary embolism and would require surgery.  He might not survive the surgery, so the doctor said if there was anything in their lives they needed to consider, now was the time.

Elder Gerard went on to explain that this life is the time given us to prepare to meet God and that this life is a probationary state.  Each of us should take time to consider whether there is anything we need to adjust or repent of.  

I'm rereading Sister Wendy Nelson's book The Heavens are Open.  She tells an experience of President Eyring's.  When he was 13, his family moved from New Jersey to Utah.  He struggled with the changes and felt very sad and lonely and wasn't even enjoying things he had previously loved, such as basketball.  One day, an impression came to him that said, "Someday, when you know who you really are, you will be sorry you didn't use your time better."

Alma 34:32-33 says, "For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors.

33 And now, as I said unto you before, as ye have had so many witnesses, therefore, I beseech of you that ye do not procrastinate the day of your repentance until the end; for after this day of life, which is given us to prepare for eternity, behold, if we do not improve our time while in this life, then cometh the night of darkness wherein there can be no labor performed."

LESSON LEARNED:  

Now is the time to form loving relationships with others and with the Savior.  Now is the time to prepare to return to God's presence.  It's so easy to get busy with good things and neglect the best things.  The past few months have given me an opportunity to reflect on what is most important...and in summary, it is relationships with others and with God.  It's all the things that help form these relationships...service, temple worship, honoring the Sabbath day, family history work, studying the scriptures, forgiving, repenting...and while other activities can be enriching and valuable, that is only true if they don't come at the expense of these most important things!