Worth Walk Camp

 I belong to a group on Facebook for YW leaders.  Someone asked a question about girls camp and while answering it, I was reminded of something I haven't thought about for awhile.  

For a couple of years, on the last night of camp, we did a spiritual walk.  For lack of a better name I'm going to call it a "worth walk".  I can't really remember what they called it at camp if they had a name.   All the girls and leaders lined up in two lines, facing each other, about a foot apart. The stake YW President was at the head of the lines and the stake camp director was at the end of the lines. The stake YW President would blindfold the first girl in line and whisper a message about how beloved and special she was. Then the young woman or leader would begin to walk, in between the two lines of girls.  We had each been instructed that as the YW or leader passed we were to whisper whatever the spirit asked us to whisper, a  word that described that YW/woman...things like beautiful, faithful, kind, happy, helpful, compassionate, etc. After the first girl was blindfolded and had gone a few steps, being gently guided by all of us whispering words of love to her, the next girl was blindfolded and began down the path. (I hope this explanation is making sense.)  Each of us got a turn until every youth and leader had been able to walk down the path and hear these words of love and affirmation. It's been nearly 6 years and even as a leader I can remember how powerful this was for me and how palpable the Spirit was. And it was neat, because there were a lot of YW from outside my ward that I didn't know at all, and yet often a very specific word would come to mind for them despite not knowing them. That didn't happen for me for every girl but it happened often. I can't articulate all that I felt other than to say that I knew that these were the words that my Heavenly Parents and Savior would say to me, that this is how they see me.   As soon as it ended, I tried to record in my journal some of the words and messages I heard and the spirit that I felt.  And it gave me strength to get a real glimpse of who I am and who I can become.  To feel that I AM noble, loved, worthy, kind, Christlike, happy, selfless, and so on.  We did this same activity for a couple of years and it was powerful.  It's the kind of thing that I'd happily do over and over again because I think we need those tangible reminders of who we are.

Emily Freeman Protection

 In Even This, Emily tells a story of being at her daughters' lacrosse game.  She suddenly had a prompting to pray for protection for Meg.  So she began to pray.  Then just a couple of minutes before the game ends, an opponent shoots the ball and suddenly Meg is on the ground.  Her husband yells for her to grab the keys and they rush Meg to the hospital.  Emily is in shock and wonders why her prayers were ignored.  Meg's eye is swollen beyond recognition.  The emergency room staff take over once they arrive.  Meg is in pain.  Emily feels bitter and angry.  

Then the doctor walks in.  He tells them that Meg is really lucky.  That if it had been a quarter inch lower, her cheekbone would have been shattered.  If it had been a quarter inch higher it would have damaged her eye, if it had been a quarter inch to the left it would have hit a major artery and she might have bled out.  He said, "Your daughter was miraculously protected."

Emily writes, "And for some reason, I had first turned to doubt."

Lessons Learned:  Prayers are heard and answered--though OFTEN not in the way we are expecting.

Miracles occur.  

Our first response should be faith...but for most of us it often isn't our first reaction.

Emily Greg's Job

 Her husband keeps receiving a prompting to quit his job.  He resigns and he is jobless.  They pray and feel like God has something in mind and to just wait.  But months pass.  Then they purchase a garage door company.  The woman selling it tells how her husband had cancer and they prayed it would progress slowly and give them one more month, one more week, one more day--and Emily realizes God was trying to balance both families' needs.  They know it is right to buy the business.  But the job never really works out.  They get into debt.  It nearly destroys them financially.  Why would God want them to own a business that would destroy them financially?  But in the four years that Greg owns the business, he is able to serve diligently and devotedly in the church.  And in that time, Garrett gets out of jail and comes to live with them and he goes daily with Greg to fix garage doors for 18 months and it saved his life.  Emily writes "To God, the cost of that boy's life was far greater than the debt we incurred.  I get it. But it doesn't make the questioning go away.    I don't understand why it seems that God's answer cost us so dearly.  ... I long for the understanding of that."

Lessons Learned:  

D&C 18:10  The worth of a soul is great in the sight of God.  

Sometimes we don't fully understand God's plan or why things happen the way they do!  

It's okay to have questions.

Emily Sand Dollar

 In Even This, Emily Freeman tells how much she loves the ocean.    Things have been hard.  Emily goes for a walk along the beach and the thought comes, "What do you need God to be?"  It's a strange question...not what does she need God to do, but what does she need God to be.  She thinks for a bit.  She needs God to be great, bigger than her trials.  She needs God to be generous and abundant.  She needs an abundance of blessings.  She prays and asks if it is okay for her to ask God to be great, generous and abundant.  She feels peace.  She feels like she needs to remember this conversation.  She decides to find a seashell to remember the conversation.  She'll put it in her windowsill as a reminder.  She wants to find a sand dollar...they are her favorite.  She begins to walk and to look, asking God to help her find a sand dollar.    She looks and finds many sand dollars.  She takes them back and lines them up on a towel.  She's never found so many sand dollars in a trip to the beach--75!  Then the thought comes, "Remember you asked for one."  God was great and generous and abundant.  He IS great and generous and abundant!

Lessons Learned:  God is great and generous and abundant.  

We can trust Him with whatever is happening in our life.

Prayers are heard and answered!

Emily Freeman Diabetes Darkness

 When Emily Freeman's son was 3, he became quite sick.  Soon they diagnosed him with diabetes.  He was only 3 so he didn't understand why his mom wants to hurt him and keeps hurting him by pricking him and giving him shots.  He doesn't understand that she is keeping him alive.   Suddenly, he can't eat cookies or have strawberry milk or candy.  Every single day is hard.  Emily felt consumed in darkness.  After a year, her husband asks her, "When are you ever going to come back?"  She replied, "I might not."  A few weeks later, she decides to call to get some mental health help.  

She pours out her soul to the receptionist.  The receptionist says, "Oh honey, you just need a massage."  That was her last resort.  Her life will never improve, she is certain.  That night after everyone is asleep, she cries.  (page 47-50 in Even This.)

She thinks through everyone she knows...who can help her?  After thinking through everyone, she realizes...no one can help her.  No one can.  She is alone.  

But then she realizes that she isn't alone.  Christ knows.  He knows everything. She pours out her heart to Him.  How tired she is.  How much it hurts.  How the burden feels too heavy. And the next day, things don't feel quite so heavy.  And that is how she gets through the darkness and the difficulty...by pouring out her heart in prayer ar night and allowing Him to lighten the burden.  

When her son is 12, they are asked to participate in a 4 year study of adolescents with diabetes.  She has to fill out a questionnaire. She gets stuck on one question:  If you knew it meant you would have to give up all of the learning, would you choose to never have had your child diagnosed with diabetes?  She can't answer it.  The social worker says she can just initial the question and move on, but she is determined to figure out the answer.  Her son has become so empathetic. He has learned to "be strong and of a good courage" (Joshua 1:9).  They have both learned to rely on Christ.  And she decides that no, she would not be willing to give up the learning even if it meant that her son could be disease free.  The learning was too valuable. (page 61-63)

Lessons Learned:  Our trials and adversity shape us.

When life is dark, turn to the Light of the World.

We learn through experience.  

We are never alone.

Daily Scripture Text

Several/many of my Young Women are struggling or at least not participating.  At least half almost never participate in a lesson or activity.  I'm concerned for them and it is a big focus in nearly all of my prayers.  I've received some inspiration and guidance, but mostly I just keep being told to love them.  No matter what.  To just keep showing love and make it clear that I love them no matter whether they choose to follow the gospel or not.  

One young woman has especially been on my mind.  I feel like if they would each read the scriptures every day, pray sincerely, participate in church meetings and spend a bit of quiet time each day reflecting, then their testimonies would grow and they'd be in a much better spot.  But that's something they have to choose to do.  Last week the thought kept coming that one YW needs to think about scripture each day but is unlikely to do it on her own.  So I told her that I'm going to send her one verse I love each day.  I hope she will read the verse and think about it throughout the day.  I told her she can share her thoughts with me or ask me question if she wants to but she doesn't have to.  She thanked me after the first one.  She hasn't said anything since so I will just keep sending them until she tells me not to.  Hopefully she will read them and think about them and at least some of them will be meaningful to her.  Maybe over time it will make a difference.  If nothing else, hopefully she knows that I LOVE the scriptures and especially that I LOVE her.  

Lessons Learned:
Act on promptings.

(In Sunday School yesterday, Erik Memmott said that promptings are personalized commandments given just to you.  I like that.)

There is power in the word, power to change hearts...if we will read and ponder and study the words of Christ.  They can tell us all things that we should do.

Laura Temple Mission

 Susan Brough spoke in sacrament meeting today.  Her talk was about the temple and being "recommended to the Lord".  

She shared the following experience.  Her daughter Laura submitted mission papers and was called to serve in Italy.  She had two months to get ready which isn't a lot of time.  She was also dating someone fairly seriously.  One day Susan was talking to her sister on the phone about Laura's upcoming mission.  After she got off, Laura told her she wasn't going to go.  She was going to stay home and marry the person she was dating.  Susan was worried, as she could tell that marrying that young man wasn't a good idea for Laura.  The next day, Laura came home and said she was tired and was going to lie down.  Susan told her that she and her husband were going to go to the temple.  They went and had a beautiful evening at the temple.  The next day, Laura came and told Susan that she had a sleepless night before.  She knew they went to the temple because they were worried for her and she said she had prayed and wrestled, trying to figure out what to do.  And the Spirit let her know that she should serve a mission.  So she prepared and went.  Her mission was challenging, but it strengthened her testimony and really set a good foundation for the rest of her life.  And Susan bore testimony that we receive strength, power, protection and peace in the temple.

Listening to Susan's talk, I want to do all in my power to always be "recommended to the Lord".  I don't ever want there to be something that keeps me away from the temple (or even more importantly from the Lord).  I want to be prepared so that when the temple reopens (hopefully soon), I can be there often.The temple means so much to me.  The Savior and the gospel mean everything to me.  I want to always be worthy and ready.

LESSONS LEARNED:  

Temples are places to receive strength, guidance, protection, peace and help for those we love.

We should always be "recommended to the Lord"  (Elder Rasband) and carry a current temple recommend.

Live worthily.  

I am SO BLESSED to live in a time and place where it is usually easy to go to the temple often.

Romney Party Awkward

 In her book I Like Me, Anyway (page 87-90) Brooke Romney was invited to a party with great food and company.  She is usually pretty outgoing but that day she felt nervous.  She sat at a table with strangers and introduced herself.  They talked for a few minutes, but soon each of them had to leave and she was alone.  She sat alone for an uncomfortable length of time because all of the other tables were full.  She felt like an awkward 13 year old.  Finally, when it was too painful to stay, she left the party.  She realized that we all want to belong and we all have moments when we feel lonely and unwanted.  Some women feel that way much of the time.  She said, "There should always be room in our pew, on our row, in our circle."

She asks if we have neighbors who don't attend church because it hurts to come and sit alone.  Do we have ward members who feel left out or snubbed?  Do we have neighbors not of our faith who feel completely ignored?  She writes that there are valid excuses why we don't reach out, "but I am asking all of us, as disciples of Christ, to put the excuses away, and try to figure out how we CAN follow our Savior's example and embrace one more."

These words struck me:

"Wouldn't it be wonderful to be known as the person who broke down barriers, abolished cliques, refused to judge, and made this world just a little softer, a little easier, a little more accepting for all of us?  It is important for us to realize the power we have in creating connection in our own lives and what that effort can do for others."

Lessons Learned:

We all have moments when we feel lonely.

Be inclusive.  Be a gatherer.  Reach out!

 

Losing Friend Regret

 A little over three years ago, on January 19, 2018 my friend Carin passed away unexpectedly.  It was heartbreaking.  She is the mother of 7 children.  Two of her children are on the autism spectrum.  Her youngest was only about 7 months old.  My heart ached for all of them, especially her daughter Kate who was a freshman in high school (Michelle's age) and who was one of our Young Women.  

I asked friends, family and ward members to share memories and I created a book for her family with these memories and photos.  That was a special thing for me to read all these people whose lives she had touched and to read of all the service she had rendered.

I felt so sad, and I also faced some regret.  Carin was my friend, but life was busy and after she died I wondered if she knew at all what she meant to me.  Did she know how much she had blessed my life?  Did she know how much I had learned from her?  Did she know how much I loved her?

I still think about her often.   I pray for her family regularly.  I've tried to be more like Carin and to render service to others as often as I could and to just go about doing good.  

I have also tried to be more vocal in expressing appreciation and love to others.  I want people to know what they mean to me.  I try to tell people I love them, to thank them when they do something kind, to point out their good qualities.  I hope that I am a real friend and that if another friend passes, she will know what she meant to me.

LESSONS LEARNED:

This life is short.  

Tell people what they mean to you.

Serve others unselfishly.

We touch more lives than we are probably aware of.

Romney Meeting Listen

 In I Like Me Anyway, (pages 76-78) Brooke Romney tells a story of a time when she was struggling with some difficult parenting challenges.  She was exhausted, discouraged.  She wanted the Lord to fix things.  She prayed fervently for the Lord to send someone to talk to who would understand.  She cried and poured her heart out.

Later she went to a meeting that didn't feel very important but she felt like she needed to be there.  A friend was there, though she isn't a close friend.

After the meeting, she talked to this friend.  After a few minutes of superficial discussion, the friend asked how she was really doing.  She opened up and her friend listened.  She didn't try to solve the problem but did say that things would be okay.  She listened and never checked her watch or acted like she was too busy to listen.  Later that evening, she dropped off a loaf of bread and a kind note detailing Brooke's good qualities.  She also told Brooke that it wasn't an accident that they crossed paths.  She hadn't been planning to attend the meeting, but the Spirit whispered that she NEEDED to go.  

LESSONS LEARNED:
Be willing to take what Emily Freeman and Dave Butler call compassionate detours.  

Be a good listener!

Even small acts can sometimes make a big difference.  

Listen and act upon promptings.

Never postpone a prompting.  Never suppress a generous thought.

Post Judging Inclusion

I have seen a lot of posts lately that talk about only being friends with those who are easy to talk to and totally get you or that are willing to put just as much effort into the relationship as you are or similar concepts.

One person that I love dearly shared a post today that said, "I want to be around people who do things.  I don't want to be around people anymore that judge or talk about what people do.  I want to be around people that dream and support and do things."

And I get what it is saying, but it also kind of bugged me.  I think I was able to respond politely but share a different perspective.  Because first...who doesn't dream?  We might dream of different things but we all have dreams!  

My response:   "Just a slightly different perspective.  So often when I find myself judging it comes from both a place of concern and often also a place of insecurity.  What I need when I am being judgmental is not less love but more.  Not to have people cut me out of their lives but to more fully bring me in.  And sometimes I need a new perspective.  Because maybe there's something I don't understand.  Or maybe I need to remember that we ALL have our weaknesses.  And life reminds me of my own pretty regularly.

Other than in the case of those who are abusive or harmful, I want to try to welcome everyone in and be around as many people as I can with all kinds of personalities.  There's something of beauty to learn from everyone.  They don't all need to be your best friend or confidante but every person I have taken time to know has blessed my life.  I love you!"

And I mean it.  I'm not always as good as I would like to be at reaching out to those who are different.  And I do judge others.  It's something I am working on.  Often it really does come from a place of concern--why are they making that choice because it is likely to lead to pain or disappointment or distancing themselves from God?  Sometimes it comes from ignorance and lack of understanding.  Sometimes I'm not sure where it comes from.  But it is something I am working on.  And the older I get, the more I realize that there are truly things to learn from each person.  I want to be a gatherer.  I want to be someone who helps others feel important and needed and loved.  Even if they are different from me or have different viewpoints or we don't see eye to eye.

Lessons Learned:  

Stop judging others.

Love others even when they are hard to love.

We all have weaknesses.

Brooke Romney Addiction Son

 In I Like Me, Anyway Brooke Romney shares that at a TOFW event the question was asked, "My husband is struggling with a pornography addiction and I'm struggling because of it.  How can I love him through this?"

There were several good answers given.

Then Brooke felt prompted to say that she should consider how she would act if it was her son.  How would she treat him?  How would she want others to treat him?  Would she pray with him, encourage him, love him and maintain hope?  If so, then maybe she could do the same things for her husband.  

Brooke writes, "What might our world be like if we all committed to this cause?  Can we smile at that teenager with the wild friends and loud music and get to know him instead of rolling our eyes?  Can we talk less about the schoolyard bully and invite her to play?  Can we listen to people who are marginalized and figure out how to be an ally?"

As Sharon Eubank said in conference, we can all be better at keeping others' names safe.  In being a source of love.  Writing of "Father Knight", Emily Freeman said, "His rule of life was love."   I want to be like that.

LESSONS LEARNED:  Keep people's names safe.  

Love those who are struggling as you would if it were your child.  Try to see them as the Father does.

Let my rule of life be LOVE!

Reflections at Age 45

 Here's what I know to be true at age 45, in no particular order:

*I am capable of learning and doing new things.  I learned a variety of technology this past year.  I learned to teach online rather than in person.  I "learned" how to keep a 3 word journal and have been pretty consistent at writing out my memories.  I have learned a great deal about the blessings promised to covenant Israel.  Now I am learning to play the piano.  I'm not sure what is next, but I am capable of developing new skills and talents.

*I have the absolutely best people in my life.  I am overwhelmed by how much love and kindness is regularly shown to me.  Yesterday was "practically perfect in every way" because I heard from so many people that I love.  I am so very blessed--beyond anything I could ever deserve.

*I love people.  I like to hug people.  I like to talk to people I know.  I love to learn about people in the past.  I need time alone and I am not outgoing with people I don't know.  I am a weird mix between introverted and extroverted...but I value relationships.

*Jesus Christ is my Savior, Redeemer, Rock, Friend, Brother, Exemplar, and so much more.  I love Him and I know He loves me.  I KNOW He lives.  I know He gave His life for me and that He enables me to do more and be more than I ever could on my own.  

*I know that I am a beloved daughter of Heavenly Parents.  This gives me comfort more than almost anything else I know.

*I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God.  My life is incomprehensibly better because of all that he did to restore truth.  He gave His life for the truths he taught.  

*Russell M. Nelson is a prophet of God today.  He teaches truth.  He prepares us for what is ahead.  He is a great example and he receives revelation for the church and the world.  There is peace and safety in following Him.

*God has given us many sources to learn His truth and His word.  Among these are the Bible, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price.  Each testifies of Christ and teaches how we can draw closer to Him.  

*There is much wrong in this world.  It is not as I would like it to be.  However, along with the poverty and injustice and racism and selfishness and greed and other problems, there is also SO much that is good.  There are so many who spend their lives making this world a little bit brighter and a little bit better and I'm so thankful.

*The temple is the house of God and there is peace and joy and perspective to be found there.  I told a couple of friends--the only thing that could have made my birthday any better at all was to be in the temple sometime this week.  But that day will come soon.

*Life can be hard and unfair and heartbreaking.  But it can also be beautiful and full of laughter and joy.  We can't really experience the fulness of one without also experiencing the other.  And there are plenty of things that are not within our control.  But I have found that if we try to look for the beauty and the goodness and the joy, it is there and we will find more and more of it! 

*I have a job that I (usually) enjoy and that is meaningful and that I think I'm good at.  My needs are taken care of and many of my wants.  I am so fortunate and while I have worked hard for what I have, I am also very aware that many of the things I have are opportunities that many are not afforded.

*"Because I have been given much, I, too, must give."   I am happier when I am helping others.  

*I am imperfect.  I truly "cherish the gift of repentance" and "seek to improve each day."

*I love being a mom.  Relationships are what really matters.  My family means everything to me.  

*Life is good. 

Birthday Blessings

 Today I turned 45.  My heart is full.  I am so blessed and surrounded by so many wonderful people.

I received so many beautiful messages and multiple gifts.  I seriously have the best people in my life.  I don't know WHY I am so incredibly blessed, because I know that not everyone has all that I have.  (That doesn't mean that life is always easy and certainly doesn't mean that everything is perfect.  And yet life is beautiful!!)

Here are a few of the things I want to remember from today:

My students showered me with gifts.  One family had flowers delivered to me at school.  I got cards, a small owl shaped cake, a gift card, lots of chocolates, an owl keychain, an owl necklace, and many other gifts.

Alfredo bought me beautiful roses, brought home Indian food and gave me an apple watch.

Last night Sara, Jackie and I got together to celebrate and ate molten lava cake and enjoyed visiting for a couple of hours.

Julie gave me this most beautiful sign:

Aly gave me a beautiful journal with the temple on it and La gave me a model of a temple that lights up.  Sara gave me pancake mix and syrup for waffle Wednesday.  Michelle made me the most touching book with quotes and scriptures about motherhood and how I fulfill those rolls for her.

I got so many messages on Facebook.  Here are a few that especially touched me:

Veronica Clark wrote:  "Jenny!! Happiest of birthdays to you! You’re such a light to literally everyone you come in contact with! You have encouraged, uplifted, and inspired me so many times! May this upcoming year bring you more blessings! May you continue to shine your light!

Best wishes

! I love you!!"

Sharon Goulding wrote: "Happy birthday my dear friend. I hope your year is filled with all things to bring happiness, joy and love."

Caryl Brown--who I worked with for one year--wrote: "Happy Birthday Jenny! I always feel inspired by you and so today I hope you can take a moment and feel the love coming back!"

DeeAnn Crosby wrote: "Happy Birthday Jenny. You a one special lady. So glad I get to know you."

Cherish wrote:  "Jenny, you are one of the truest and most beautiful people I have ever known. You are such a light and example to me. I hope that your birthday today is great! Love you!!!"

Catherine Taylor wrote: "Happy Birthday! I hope the day is as radiant and kind as you are!"

My sister Suzy wrote:  "Happy birthday! You are amazing and have always been a wonderful example for me to follow. Love you!"

Noemi wrote: "Congratulations

Jennifer

that this day is full of joy and many surprises for you. God bless you enormously. They are my best wishes. I love you a lot. A big hug.

congratulations"

Jackie wrote: "Happy birthday to one of my very favorite peeps. Love you, Jenny. So much."

Sonja Tincher wrote: "Happy Birthday, Jenny! You are such a wonderful person and friend! I hope you have a fabulous day and coming year!

"

April Pettley texted me and said, "Happy happy birthday Jenny! Thank you for being such a sweet example of what a neighbor and friend can be! I hope you have a most wonderful day!"

Several of my young women texted me to wish me a happy birthday. I especially loved Gracie's message: "hey jenny! happy birthday! i just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate and love you! I am so thankful that you are my young women's president because you have taught me so much.I really, really am so blessed to know you! you are one of the best people I know! have a great day! 30 looks good on you." (winky face)

President Brandon Carlson texted me: "Happy birthday Jenny! I hope that your day has been and will continue to be fabulous. Thanks for your friendship, example, and for loving my family!"

Michelle and Ella both made really sweet and thoughtful posts on Instagram. I am so blessed to have so many thoughtful, kind friends.

I am the luckiest girl there is!!

Covenants Testimony Strength

 This morning in Ward Council, Patrick Maass shared this paragraph from the handbook and talked a tiny bit about how covenants strengthen him and help him.  I felt like I had a million things I wanted to say about it, and so when the spirit whispered to me to bear my testimony, I decided to share my testimony of how covenants have blessed my life.

Here's the section from the handbook:

"0.4Questions about Instructions

When questions arise that are not addressed in the scriptures, the words of the living prophets, or this handbook, Church members should rely on their covenants with God, the counsel of their local leaders, and the inspiration of the Spirit for guidance."

Here are my thoughts, some of these were expressed in my testimony but several of them weren't.  I feel like, for some reason, once I stood up some of my thoughts didn't come very clearly.  But I got two texts that said that my testimony was a blessing and source of strength so hopefully I was guided to say what others needed to hear even if it wasn't quite what I'd been planning or wanting to express.  Jackie texted me and said that she had been sending me a text to say that if I felt prompted to share my testimony, it would really help her today and then I stood up.  That made my heart happy!:

*Covenants bind us to Christ.  Through our covenants we become the sons and daughters of Christ, we become the sons/daughters of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and heir to all the blessings promised to covenant Israel.  They help us/allow us to  become eternal families.  I can imagine no greater blessing!

*There are lots of things that I don't know.  I have questions about plenty of things, but if I spend my thoughts and efforts on what I DO know then I am able to find peace.  And often I also find answers, though not always.

*My covenants help me make better decisions every day.  When I am remembering my covenants--those made at baptism and those made in the temple--I am better at being honest, paying my tithing, remembering Christ every day, striving to have the Holy Ghost with me, serving others, bearing others' burdens.  It gives me a guideline to measure my conduct against.  It helps me know when I need to make course corrections.

*My covenants draw me closer to Christ.  I feel Him near.  I feel His strength and power flowing into my life and enabling me to be more and do more than I can on my own. My covenants give me access to priesthood power.

*In conference, President Nelson asked us to study the blessings promised to covenant Israel.  At first, this felt a little overwhelming...how did I differentiate between blessings given to covenant Israel, blessings given to an individual and blessings given to one specific tribe or group.  I don't know that I fully have that answer but as I've studied, here's what I have come to believe.  God has given tremendous promises to covenant Israel.  They are probably on nearly every page of scripture!  And while they were given to His covenant people, His ultimate desire is for every ONE of His children to become part of His covenant people.  He wants to bless each one of us with these blessings.  So I think that when you read virtually any promise in the scripture, you can trust that God is willing and eager to share that blessing with you!  Doesn't that feel amazing?  He's promised things like to go before your face, to be on your right hand and on your left.  He's promised to send His angels to guide you.  He's promised to give you strength beyond your own.  He's promised to give you priesthood, posterity and a promised land. He's promised that with His help you will prevail.  He's promised immortality and eternal life if you keep His commandments and repent.  All that God hath has been promised to you!!

*There is power in covenants and especially in the ordinances connected with covenants.  "Therefore, in the ordinances thereof, the power of godliness is manifest."  (D&C 84:20)

* From a conference talk given by Elder Kent F. Richards in April 2016:  "Just a few months before the death of the Prophet Joseph Smith, he met with the Twelve Apostles to talk about the greatest needs the Church was facing in that very difficult time. He told them, “We need the temple more than anything else.”¹ Surely, today in these trying times, each of us and our families need the temple more than anything else."

I believe this.  We NEED the temple.  But in a year when temples have been closed, I have found strength and guidance from pondering my past experiences in the temple and pondering the covenants I have made there.  I have found PEACE despite turbulent times.  I haven't been able to go inside the temple but the temple has not stopped being inside me.  The temple is everything...purpose, peace, perspective, relationship, power, guidance, revelation, covenants and ordinances, sealing, strength.  

*My covenants remind me that I am truly a daughter of God.  He loves me.  I have Heavenly Parents and a Savior that want to help me.   They know me.  They offer forgiveness of sins.  The offer a path to become more like them.  I KNOW this is true.  I know it as surely as I know that I am a daughter of Bryan and Barbara or that I have blue eyes or that I love to read.  My covenants keep tying me back to what I do know.  They keep me tethered to all that is most important.  And what is most important?   Relationships.  Love.  Love God and love people.  My covenants help me do that.  I'm not perfect at it, but I'm growing and becoming better at it and that is largely due to my covenants.  

*On a day a few months ago when I was especially missing the temple and longing to be there to receive some guidance about an issue I was worried over and praying about, the spirit whispered for me to take out my journal and write down every good experience I could think of that happened in the temple.  Immediately several came to mind.  So I sat down and began to write.  I wrote for over an hour and I wasn't finished.  Most of these experiences had previously been recorded, but putting them all down in the same place and remembering them all at the same time brought power and strength and comfort and insight flowing into me.  I ended up needing to stop but more memories kept coming.  So the next day I wrote some more.  And the next.  And since then a few other memories have come.  The temple has blessed my life immeasurably.  And even just pondering on past experiences has reminded me of the temple's importance and role in my life.  And covenants are central to that.

Emma Smith was given this counsel in D&C 25:  "Wherefore, ^alift up thy heart and ^brejoice, and cleave unto the covenants which thou hast made."  My covenants help me to rejoice.  They help me to feel joy and to "Hear Him."   I'm profoundly grateful.

Dave Mission College

 Susan Brough taught Sunday School today.  She shared this experience of her husband's.  Growing up his family wasn't active.  When it was time for him to go to college, he went for one year to BYU.  Then he returned home to Wyoming to go to the local college because he couldn't afford to continue at BYU.  He got accepted to the University of Utah for medical school and he was so excited. One night he was at the church, playing basketball, when his stake president asked if he could talk to Dave.  His stake president asked if he had considered serving a mission.  He really hadn't.  He didn't have the money, he'd made it into medical school, he hadn't been raised as an active member of the church.  It didn't seem possible or feasible for him.  His stake president told him to go home and pray about it. He did.  He wrestled with the decision.  But ultimately he decided to go.  Shortly after he found out that he was being offered a full ride scholarship to BYU which would allow him to continue his education after he returned from his mission.  His mission was the foundation to his testimony of the gospel and the foundation to their family.  

LESSONS LEARNED:

If we pray about what to do, the Lord will guide us or at least warn us if we are heading in the wrong direction.

Leaders can have a big impact when they counsel and invite others to make choices that help them get on and stay on the covenant path.

Grandpa Broccoli Try

 My grandpa Reed Bills hated broccoli.  He didn't seem to complain about much, but we all knew he disliked broccoli.  Yet at least once a year, he would eat broccoli in front of us and tell us (as near as I remember...this is definitely not a direct quote!)  "I don't like broccoli.  But I keep trying it once a year.  Maybe some day my taste buds will change.  But this is not the year that happens."  And he would grin and chuckle.  He always seemed to handle things with a sense of humor.

LESSONS LEARNED:

It's kind of a silly thing and definitely a simple thing.  But it taught me a few valuable lessons.  First, we should keep trying things because something we dislike now may eventually become something we enjoy.  Tastes change as our experiences change.

Second, I learned that it is okay if we have different interests, likes, and dislikes from those we love.  I love broccoli, especially roasted broccoli.  

Handle things with a smile and if possible a sense of humor.  (I don't feel like humor comes naturally to me as it did to him but how I appreciate those who do have a sense of humor!)

Don't complain.

Jenny Desire Love

 I am grateful for the words in D&C 137: 9 For I, the Lord, will judge all men according to their works, according to the desire of their hearts.

I also love the words of D&C 11:8:  "Verily, verily, I say unto you, even as you desire of me so it shall be done unto you; and, if you desire, you shall be the means of doing much good in this generation."

So often my desires are better than my actual actions.  

I see this often in my relationships with my family (and others as well).  I want to be patient and kind and loving.  I want to respond with love when my children make mistakes or when they say or do hurtful things.  I want to put my marriage and family first.  But, especially when I am tired or stressed, I often respond in less than ideal ways.    I get pouty or become silent when I'm hurt.  I respond angrily to mistakes or to less than perfect behavior.  I take offense when none was meant.  

In 2017, I was struck by Sister Neill F. Marriott's words:  "It is now, with our mortal limitations, that the Father asks us to love when loving is most difficult, to serve when serving is inconvenient, to forgive when forgiving is soul stretching."

I was struck by this experience she shared:

One memorable night a relative and I disagreed about a political issue. She briskly and thoroughly took my comments apart, proving me wrong within earshot of family members. I felt foolish and uninformed—and I probably was. That night as I knelt to pray, I hurried to explain to Heavenly Father how difficult this relative was! I talked on and on. Perhaps I paused in my complaining and the Holy Ghost had a chance to get my attention, because, to my surprise, I next heard myself say, “You probably want me to love her.” Love her? I prayed on, saying something like, “How can I love her? I don’t think I even like her. My heart is hard; my feelings are hurt. I can’t do it.”

Then, surely with help from the Spirit, I had a new thought as I said, “But You love her, Heavenly Father. Would You give me a portion of Your love for her—so I can love her too?” My hard feelings softened, my heart started to change, and I began to see this person differently. I began to sense her real value that Heavenly Father saw. Isaiah writes, “The Lord bindeth up the breach of his people, and healeth the stroke of their wound.”¹⁰

Over time the gap between us sweetly closed. But even if she had not accepted my changed heart, I had learned that Heavenly Father will help us love even those we may think are unlovable, if we plead for His aid. The Savior’s Atonement is a conduit for the constant flow of charity from our Father in Heaven. We must choose to abide in this love in order to have charity for all.

I recognized a relationship of mine that was in need of some healing.  I recognized the ways that I had contributed to that breach.  I began to pray daily for healing and forgiveness.  I pray OFTEN to respond to others with love even when my feelings are hurt or when it feels "soul-stretching" to do so.  And I have made progress.  Sometimes when something hurtful is said, I am able to almost immediately stop what I'm doing, pray and respond calmly and politely.  But far too often I respond by saying something snarky or by drawing away from the person or ocassionally by gossiping about the experience.  My desires are good...but my actions often aren't!  I will keep trying and I believe that over time my actions can become better aligned with my desires.  And I will continue to try to refine my desires as well.

I love these quotes by Elder Maxwell: 

"Desire denotes a real longing or craving. Hence righteous desires are much more than passive preferences or fleeting feelings....Therefore, what we insistently desire, over time, is what we will eventually become and what we will receive in eternity."

"Whenever spiritually significant things are under way, righteous desires are present."

Lessons Learned:
The Savior will judge us based on our actions AND desires.

Our desires can lead us to be the means of doing much good.

We can become more loving and forgiving and Christlike IF we desire to do so and seek the Lord's help.

Becoming truly charitable and developing love for others is an ongoing process and requires time and repentance and growth and learning and becoming.

 

Jenny Skip School

 When I was in junior high, there was a lot of peer pressure.  Like insane amounts.  I probably should write another whole post about that.  

At one point, some friends encouraged me to skip class.  I don't remember why or what they said, but they talked me into it and I said I would the next day.  At the end of the day we had a study hall where we could do homework or read a book.  It was shorter than a regular period, maybe 30 minutes?   I decided to skip that.  I was scared to go anywhere or do anything...and my grandma picked me up after school because we lived at their house and it was too far away to walk.   So I just went into the girls' bathroom and hung out in a stall.  I felt so nervous that I was going to get in trouble.  I felt so worried all that evening that my mom would get a phone call that I wasn't in study hall.  It was an absolutely miserable experience.  I decided then and there to never repeat the experience and basically never did.  (I did take one class in college that I regularly skipped because it was taught by grad students and they literally just read to us from the textbook...so I just read the textbook and skipped class. And I think I occasionally missed other classes in college and I, of course, missed days throughout school when I was sick.)

LESSONS LEARNED:  Be where you are supposed to be.

Poor choices often lead to feelings of worry, guilt, and disappointment in yourself.  They are rarely worth it!!

Emily Freeman Yoke Hiker

 Emily Freeman in Even This:

"One experience with God's goodness doesn't tie us to Him forever."  (13)

A group of 7 gather each week one summer to talk about scripture.  Every one in the group is in high school, except Emily.  They gather and talk about what they have learned and they ask questions.  One young man has been studying and discussing what it means to yoke yourself to the Lord.

On one particular night, he doesn't read a verse of scripture.  Instead he talks of a high adventure camp he had just gone to.  They'd gone on a hike and he had reached the top first.  He sat down to recover and catch his breath.  A leader invited those who were already at the top to head down again and help those who were farther behind and struggling.    But he felt tired.  And others got up to go.  So he justified staying at the top.

The next morning, he felt guilt.  He'd been learning and studying the yoke.  The sharing of the burden with the Lord.  And he'd had an opportunity to lighten someone else's burden--to share their yoke--and he had refused.  He told them there, in Emily's backyard, that he had done the learning of it but not the living of it.

On the third day of the high adventure camp, a new opportunity to share burdens came.  An opportunity to go and help a straggler.  He went all the way back to the boy who was the farthest behind and took his pack.  He told the group that he didn't even feel the weight...and he said that maybe that is what the yoke is like.  Sharing the burden makes it lighter.

LESSONS LEARNED:  

How often do I do the learning but not the living?   

The words to Blake Gillette's song "I'll Be What I Believe":
"I'll have faith like brother Joseph and the strength of the pioneers

I'll be brave as a stripling warrior and like Nephi persevere

I will spread God's love to all I know and serve

I will plead with my Father on my knees, I will be what I believe"

If I share another's burden, it becomes lighter.  If I share my burdens (with the Lord or with others), they become lighter.

Guilt often leads us to change.  It's an important part of the repentance process.

Emily Freeman Greg Sick

 Emily tells this story in her book Even This.  It's four days before her wedding.  Greg is sick.  The doctor asks if they can postpone the wedding.  They won't.  So they schedule an appointment with an oncologist for right after their honeymoon.  Greg might have thyroid cancer.  Right after their honeymoon, there was a biopsy, then surgery and then three months of recovery without work.  

Her most vivid memory from the first months of their marriage took place in the hospital after the surgery to remove the tumor.  Greg had been given pain meds.  Greg's parents had gone home.  The doctors had left.  She sat next to Greg and held his hand.  She felt scared and alone and unprepared.  She saw a light flooding in under the door and she focused on that light, "on the truth that all is not dark".  She begins to pray.  A feeling of love settled over her and words to scriptures came to mind.  She grabs a paperback book and finds a pen to write the words down.

She wrote this:  

"Early morning, January 1990

  I can't describe this moment.  ...Sometimes it has to hurt to make you strong, to make you realize how much you need God.  I don't want to forget this.  These words.  His words.  Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you.  My peace I give unto you.  Be still, and know that I am God."

She writes that this is the first time she realized that God can be trusted, that He is a personal God, that she can turn to Him in her hard.

She writes, "It was the first time I had let myself be vulnerable with Him.  The rawness led me to experience His realness.  In that moment I felt His goodness."

LESSONS LEARNED:  

God is there.  We can turn to Him with our HARD...no matter what it is.

We are never alone.

God is good.  He can be trusted.

We can find peace even in the midst of hard. 

 D&C 88: 63, "Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you."

D&C 101:16  "Be still and know that I am God."

John 14: 26  "27 ^aPeace I leave with you, my ^bpeace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be ^ctroubled, neither let it be afraid."

Parents Divorce Eternal

Just a couple of weeks before my 14th birthday, my dad came for a visit.  (I've likely written about this elsewhere on my blog and definitely wrote a lot about it in my journal back then.)  He'd moved to Texas "for a job" and as far as we kids knew, we would be moving to Texas that summer to join him. Over the weekend we went and got family pictures taken.  We spent time together.  It was great.  Then Monday morning when we woke up, our parents weren't home.  I asked my grandparents where they were and they just said they would be back in a while.  They got home and said they were taking us out for lunch.  We almost never went out to eat back then so that felt special.  After lunch, they took us to a park, sat us down and told us they had gotten divorced that morning.  I don't remember most of what they said...they said they still loved each other and maybe things would work out for them to get back together and none of it was our fault and I don't even know what else.  I felt numb.

When we got back to my paternal grandparents' home (where my mom and my sisters and I were living), my cousins Amy and Laura were there.  Their parents had divorced so I think it was meant to comfort and help us.  And of my paternal cousins, they were my only older cousins and I looked up to them. But I don't think it was much comfort to have them there.

Eighth grade was a hard year...before and after the divorce.  My best friend had moved and didn't live nearby anymore.  (To my mom's credit, she drove me to Peoria fairly often to see Tacia.)  There was a lot of peer pressure and that is a hard age any way.  And now, completely unexpectedly, my parents were divorced.  

I struggled.  I remember crying a lot.  I remember having a lot of questions.  You see, it suddenly hurt like crazy to sing "I have a family here on Earth.  They are so good to me.  I want to share my life with them thru all eternity.  Families can be together forever, through Heavenly Father's plan.  I always want to be with my own family and the Lord has showed me how I can."  Was that true for me anymore?  If my parents were divorced, then how could my family be eternal?   My questions and fears intensified when my mom decided to remarry Mike about a year and a half later.  She applied to have her sealing to my dad broken and I didn't know what that meant for me.  Who was I sealed to?  Would I have to choose between my parents?  What did that mean for my dad?  And by then, I knew a lot more about the reasons behind my parents' divorce and the big mistakes my dad had made.  So I also had questions about why he would do the things he did.  And did I want to be with him?  And how could I ever consider getting married when it could turn out so awfully and cause me and especially my future children so much pain?  I had a lot of questions.  I didn't get all the answers right away.  I'm not sure that I 100% understand know and understand exactly what eternity will be like.  But over time I got many answers and most importantly, I gained peace.  I came to understand that families can be eternal and that God is good and that though my family was imperfect and I was imperfect, there was still hope.  And our family situations will be sorted out and we will get more than we deserve.  

LESSONS LEARNED:

Mortality is messy and complicated and sometimes heart-breaking.  And yet, peace can be found even in the midst of the mess and the heart-break.  Sometimes it takes time for the peace to come, but if we are on the covenant path, it will come.

Families CAN be together forever.  And if your family isn't the "ideal" (most families aren't!!) you can trust that God will work things out and it will be for your good.

God is good.  

It's okay to ask questions.  In fact, it is good!   But try to approach them with an eye of faith.  

Maintain hope.