Spencer Mourn Celebration

My dear friend Liz lost her son to suicide a couple of weeks ago.  Spencer was Michelle's age.  They graduated from Hunter High together and were both in the same dorm up at Utah State.  They knew each other, and Spencer had really helped her pass physics when they were juniors, though they weren't close friends.  It was a tragic loss...Spencer was intelligent and talented and had so much to offer the world.  

Liz wanted to do a celebration of life for Spencer rather than a viewing.  She wanted it to be an opportunity to remember some of the things that Spencer loved and to also create a space for others to learn and connect and be strengthened.  She sent an email to Sara that explained the vision she had and Sara shared it with those of us who were helping to put things together.

"Each area has a theme, focused parts of Spencer’s life.  These also just happen to be great ways to cope with stress and support one another.  People in those areas could be people in Spencer’s life.  Maybe a name tag for them, with a line about who they are.  I’m not going to implicate any family members, but I’ll tell them they are invited to stay in any area they like.  Maybe a stack of blank name tags, in case they want to stay in an area and help.  I would very much like people to build connections from the time they spend with us that evening.

I have some quotes and scriptures about trees and outdoor spaces that I’ll get to you, which I think might be nice to have among the trees or on the walls somehow.  

We don’t want to beat around the bush when it comes to suicide.  We would like to have some cards with resources for suicide prevention.

Some people have indicated that this is a trial for our family.  While it certainly is challenging, and we are still working on what it means for us going forward, I can’t minimize the pain and suffering that led my son to take his own life.  That is a trial.  We have felt surrounded by love and support from the moment we shared our sorrow with family and friends.  For whatever reason, Spencer didn’t readily see the love which has surrounded him since birth.  I hope that in the end, my children, husband, and I will only see this experience as one that brings us together, not a trial."

Isn't Liz amazing?  

So I was privileged to be able to help set up for and help with the celebration of life and the luncheon.  Spencer loved the woods and so we asked people to bring their Christmas trees and we set them up in the cultural hall. We had nearly 150 trees.  People are so kind.  So many people brought their trees and entrusted them to our care for this event.  It was heartwarming.  Most of them knew Liz and her family, but some didn't.  And then so many people helped with making cookies or helping to set up or take down or do other parts. Sara oversaw everything.  Melissa, Heather, Susan, Jackie, Jan, Whitney and Miranda were all heavily involved in preparing things. It was a sad but beautiful weekend.

A few things I don't want to forget.  

Several people that didn't know Liz's family or barely knew them helped in profound ways.  Debbie is the mother of two of the teachers at Hunter High and she spent about 5 hours on Thursday helping to set up Christmas trees.  Natalie is in my ward and is a talented photographer.  She has taken some gorgeous photos of trees and Sara asked if we could use a few of them for the celebration of life.  When she brought them over along with her Christmas tree, she ended up staying for a couple of hours to put up trees.   I put a request on Instagram for trees and one of the girls in my book club who lives in South Jordan let me borrow her tree.  Jackie and Whitney both helped for hours and don't know Liz very well. There are, I'm sure, many other examples of people that helped without even knowing Liz's family.

On Thursday, when we were setting up things for the celebration of life, Liz sent over dinner for those of us who were helping.  She has expressed such gratitude and has showed concern for others during this difficult time.  She asked how my girls, especially Michelle, reacted to the news and thanked me for talking about suicide with them.  (Side note, just because I don't want to forget...Michelle came for the funeral and celebration of life.  She headed back to Logan last night because she had an appointment with her Bishop today.  I thought maybe she would get a calling.  Instead, her Bishop just wanted to see how she was doing after the funeral and make sure she was okay.  I haven't met him, but I love her Bishop.  I still hope she'll get a calling or some type of responsibility, but I love that he checked in with her to make sure she was okay.)

I got to help Liz's nieces (and many other children) build with legos.  Her nephew Levi who is a toddler even sat on my lap for a bit, and I had a nice visit with her brother.  It really was a beautiful evening at the celebration.  

I can't really articulate what I felt, but there was a spirit of love and unity and shared purpose as we worked to set up, serve at the luncheon, clean up, etc.  I already knew and loved these women, but I had some beautiful conversations about the gospel, about faith, about Joseph Smith, and about loving others as we worked.  On Friday morning, Sara sent a text to the group text thread we'd been using to share ideas and expressed her gratitude for all that we'd done.  Immediately my thoughts turned to President Nelson's talk A Plea to My Sisters.  These women I worked alongside are beautiful examples of the type of women President Nelson described:

We, your brethren, need your strength, your conversion, your conviction, your ability to lead, your wisdom, and your voices. The kingdom of God is not and cannot be complete without women who make sacred covenants and then keep them, women who can speak with the power and authority of God!⁷

President Packer declared:

“We need women who are organized and women who can organize. We need women with executive ability who can plan and direct and administer; women who can teach, women who can speak out. …

“We need women with the gift of discernment who can view the trends in the world and detect those that, however popular, are shallow or dangerous.”⁸

Today, let me add that we need women who know how to make important things happen by their faith and who are courageous defenders of morality and families in a sin-sick world. We need women who are devoted to shepherding God’s children along the covenant path toward exaltation; women who know how to receive personal revelation, who understand the power and peace of the temple endowment; women who know how to call upon the powers of heaven to protect and strengthen children and families; women who teach fearlessly."

That is the type of woman Liz is, and it is the type of woman that Sara, Susan, Whitney, Melissa, Heather, Jackie, Jan and Miranda are.  It's the type of woman I am striving to be. It strengthens me to be around them.  

I wish every youth I knew...and really every person I knew that was struggling could have heard the talks at the funeral and could have seen the love that was being shown for Spencer.  I know life can be hard and lonely and I know that depression is real and can be debilitating.  I don't fully understand what Spencer or others experience but my heart aches for them.  And so I wish that those who are struggling could catch a glimpse of the impact they have on others' lives.  Could somehow see the potential that lies within them and see just how needed they are in this world.  I wish that each youth that I know and love could recognize that they are enveloped in love, surrounded by so many that want what is best for them, and that they could feel just a sliver of the hope and love that I felt this weekend.

I appreciated the beautiful messages shared at the funeral.  Spencer's grandpa shared the eulogy, a cousin shared some of his memories as well as other family member's memories of Spencer and bore testimony of the Savior's ability to succor us and that they would see Spencer again, his brother talked a bit about some of their shared interests as well as his love for Spencer, Brittany (a family friend/ward member) spoke about mourning, and Bishop McPherron spoke a bit about mental health and bore testimony of the Savior.  There were also beautiful musical numbers, including a rendition of Lead Kindly Light, I Need Thee Every Hour and Lord, I Would Follow Thee (I'm pretty sure...I didn't bring a program home so I'm writing that from memory and I may be incorrect).  All of the talks were so beautiful.  I loved that Brittany talked about grief and mourning.  Grief, she said, is the response we have to losing someone we love.  It's the price we pay for loving well.  Mourning is the outward expression of the inward feelings.  And as covenant followers of Jesus Christ, it is part of our covenant to mourn with those who mourn and to comfort those who stand in need of comfort.  To be in that space with them and to show through our actions that we are grieving alongside them.  It was a beautiful talk...beautifully written and delivered with eloquence and deep and obvious love.   

I feel like I can't adequately express all that I felt.  I came home very tired, but also so grateful to be part of a community/stake that cares for one another.  And with a desire to love others better.  To be a little better at reaching out and sharing love with those around me.  To be a little more devoted to loving God and loving my fellow man.  To be the kind of woman that President Nelson described.  And to help others see the ways in which THEY exemplify these characteristics that President Nelson described.