Thoughts on Forgiveness and Love

This weekend something happened that had the potential to really upset me.  It did upset several family members that I love dearly.  And I guess it upset me a little, for a short time...but not for long.  And while I am still thinking about the incident, I don't feel hurt or angry or anything.  Why?

I think there is probably more to this than I can adequately express in words, but here are some parts of why I don't feel upset.

1.  Just this week in Come Follow Me, we read 2 Corinthians 2:5-8

But if any have caused grief, he hath not grieved me, but in part: that I may not overcharge you all.

6 Sufficient to such a man is this punishment, which was inflicted of many.

7 So that contrariwise ye ought rather to ^aforgive him, and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one should be swallowed up with overmuch sorrow.

8 Wherefore I beseech you that ye would confirm your love toward him.

It tells us to forgive, then comfort and then confirm your love toward the person who hurts you.  So my thoughts since yesterday have been primarily thinking about how I can comfort and confirm my love for the person who was thoughtless and unkind.

2.  I recognize more and more how much grace and love and mercy I need from my Savior.  And because I so desperately want that, I want to try really hard to extend that to others.  It isn't easy...and I don't think it is meant to be...but a disciple's life isn't always easy but it is worth it.

3.  I long to feel peace.  Being angry or upset messes with my ability to feel peace.  I headed to the temple last night and felt peace in abundance.  I felt my Savior's love for me but also for the person who did something hurtful.  And I felt His power. 

4.  About a year and a half ago, I went through some experiences where I really studied the Sermon on the Mount and really pondered these words in Matthew 5: 

Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt ^alove thy ^bneighbour, and hate thine enemy.

44 But I say unto you, ^aLove your ^benemies, ^cbless them that ^dcurse you, do ^egood to them that ^fhate you, and ^gpray for them which despitefully use you, and ^hpersecute you;

45 That ye ^amay be the ^bchildren of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth ^crain on the just and on the unjust.

46 For if ye ^alove them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?

47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?

48 ^aBe ye therefore ^bperfect, even as your ^cFather which is in heaven is ^dperfect. 

I believe we have made covenants to live this higher law...and while I certainly don't live it perfectly, I AM trying.  Ultimately, our goal is to become like Christ...and He certainly loved His enemies and did good to them that hated Him and used Him and persecuted Him.

I was profoundly touched by these words of Elder Holland in October 2017 General Conference:

"So I believe that Jesus did not intend His sermon on this subject to be a verbal hammer for battering us about our shortcomings. No, I believe He intended it to be a tribute to who and what God the Eternal Father is and what we can achieve with Him in eternity. In any case, I am grateful to know that in spite of my imperfections, at least God is perfect—that at least He is, for example, able to love His enemies, because too often, due to the “natural man”⁶ and woman in us, you and I are sometimes that enemy. How grateful I am that at least God can bless those who despitefully use Him because, without wanting or intending to do so, we all despitefully use Him sometimes. I am grateful that God is merciful and a peacemaker because I need mercy and the world needs peace. Of course, all we say of the Father’s virtues we also say of His Only Begotten Son, who lived and died unto the same perfection."

God and the Savior are perfect and can live this law and I want so very much to become like them!

Elder Holland then repeated the parable of the servant who was in debt 10,000 talents and was forgiven but would not forgive a 100 pence debt.

As a personal debt, that is an astronomical number—totally beyond our comprehension. (Nobody can shop that much!) Well, for the purposes of this parable, it is supposed to be incomprehensible; it is supposed to be beyond our ability to grasp, to say nothing of beyond our ability to repay. That is because this isn’t a story about two servants arguing in the New Testament. It is a story about us, the fallen human family—mortal debtors, transgressors, and prisoners all. Every one of us is a debtor, and the verdict was imprisonment for every one of us. And there we would all have remained were it not for the grace of a King who sets us free because He loves us and is “moved with compassion toward us.”¹¹

Jesus uses an unfathomable measurement here because His Atonement is an unfathomable gift given at an incomprehensible cost. That, it seems to me, is at least part of the meaning behind Jesus’s charge to be perfect. We may not be able to demonstrate yet the 10,000-talent perfection the Father and the Son have achieved, but it is not too much for Them to ask us to be a little more godlike in little things, that we speak and act, love and forgive, repent and improve at least at the 100-pence level of perfection, which it is clearly within our ability to do.

I don't know how to articulate what these words meant to me or exactly what they taught me.  But over the process of about 5 months, I listened to this talk many times and referred to this last paragraph in my prayers over and over...praying for help to speak and act, love and forgive, repent and improve at least at the 100 pence level of perfection...which frankly didn't always seem possible.  There were days when I sobbed, recognizing how hard it was for me to speak and act in loving ways when it is soul-stretching to do so.  I'd always thought I was pretty good at being loving, but I came to clearly see how often I withheld love when I was hurt or angry or sometimes even just tired.  It was heart wrenching to me to see so completely my human frailty.  And I still have so much of it.  I still don't find it easy to always speak and act, love and forgive, repent and improve at the 100 pence level.  And after a year and a half, I feel like I should be able to go to at least the 200 pence level.  But I am seeing progress.  It is getting easier.  Maybe because I've gained some spiritual gifts...but mostly because I have learned to rely so much more on the Savior for help.  Which brings me to my next part...which is connected to this but feels like it is also good to separate out.

5.  I have found that when people say things or do things that hurt me, if I can process their comment in this way, it helps:

First, I usually say a prayer that asks Heavenly Father to help me feel and especially speak and act in loving ways.  Sometimes it really does change my feelings...but often I still feel a bit hurt or angry at first...but if I say this prayer, I can usually circumvent my normal reaction to either react angrily or shut down and become distant/cold toward the person.  Depending on the circumstances, I might respond that the person is being unfair or unkind or might stay quiet.

Then I try to process the comment or action without a lot of emotional reaction.  Do I have some fault in this situation?  Is there something I should apologize for or something that I need to work to change in myself?  If so, then I try to make a mental note of that and try to act.   If not...or even if there is but the person has overreacted, I try to tell myself that their actions are not about me.  They are acting that way as a result of their own brokenness, their own pain, their own imperfections.   I am far from perfect, and I recognize that...but I remind myself that I am a beloved daughter of God and that nothing someone else says or does can change that.  I remind myself that I have a divine nature and that I am loved by God and that I have seen His hand in my life countless times.  I also try to remind myself that this person I am dealing with is ALSO a beloved child of God...who is also imperfect like me and who also has challenges and weaknesses and is in need of mercy and love and grace.  Like I am.

I might need a bit of time alone to process...but as I fill my mind and heart with who I am as a daughter of God...and remind myself that He has helped me to love and forgive in the past and has helped me feel enough and feel peace even when someone reacts in a way that is not ideal, then I can find peace again.

Then on my best days...and not every day is my best day...I try to think of a way to be extra kind and loving to that person, to go beyond just forgiving but to also confirm my love for that person.

I still have days when someone says something hurtful and I respond in anger and say something unkind back.  Fewer days like that.  But I still have them.

And I still have lots of days where I can protect myself emotionally and forgive but can't go beyond that to confirm my love, at least not at first.  

And I still have a few days (but not many) when someone's unkind action causes me to spiral downward and assume that what they said is an accurate depiction of me...and not only that I have these other 50 problems and weaknesses and I am pretty unlovable.   This used to be my primary response to criticism or unkindness.  But it's not my primary response any more.   And I can usually pull myself out of it so much faster when it does happen.

And I have a few days where something crappy can happen and I can respond in an ideal way...both internally and externally.  Days when I am certain I am behaving as a disciple of Christ should.

And you know what?  I feel so much more peace.  And joy.   And I think my Savior is really happy with my growth even though I'm a long way from perfect and probably still only at that 100 pence level...at least I am hitting it much more consistently.  And when I can react that way, I am better able to see the pain that often is the root of others' poor actions and can respond with greater love and concern because my thoughts don't immediately become consumed with me, me, me and protecting and defending me, me, me.   Suddenly I don't need as much protection or defense because I am (*most of the time) pretty confident in who I am and my worth and value.  It helps that I have pretty incredible people in my life that help me to feel that often.  But mostly, I have strengthened my relationship with the Savior and my Father so much more that their opinion matters more than others'.  

I don't know if this makes sense.  I don't know if it is the path for everyone.  I have had lots of discussions and done some reading about boundaries and I'm not sure that I always enforce healthy boundaries or hold others' accountable for their actions, entirely.  I guess I have decided to leave that up to God for the most part.  And this might not work for others and certainly wouldn't work in cases of abuse.  But it is what I have felt the spirit leading ME to do.