Charity Sit Together

 I have seen a lot of people post quotes that in essence say your biggest regrets won't be the mistakes you made but the missed opportunities, the chances you didn't take.  While I think we often do regret missed opportunities, my biggest regrets relate to times I should have treated someone better.  My next couple of posts are going to be related to that.

My daughter had an experience this week that has had me thinking a lot.  She is a senior class officer for her high school this year.  She has lots of great friends, but she runs in a different crowd than the rest of the student body and senior class officers who (minus my daughter and one other girl) are all good friends and hang out both in and out of school.  And that's totally ok.  But this week something was done that may have been innocent (or not) but proved to be hurtful.  It's football season and so they have determined themes for each football game.  Tonight's game was "neon" and all students were encouraged to wear neon clothes--especially the student council officers. The student body officers bought matching shirts for all of the student body and senior class officers...except my daughter and one other girl.  And they passed them out while the senior class officers were all working on a poster.  So (especially at first), my daughter felt very excluded as all the senior class officers were given a shirt except her.    She found out the next day that one of the student body officers wasn't given a shirt either.  So we've had a couple of talks about how she felt, how she might handle it, what she might do next.  I wanted to march in and have a talk with one of the girls who I know well but Michelle didn't want me to.  It's possible that this friend group just decided it would be fun to all match...and I suppose they have that right. Perhaps there was no exclusion or hurt meant.  I want to believe that about these girls.   But I do feel that because the entire friend group is part of student council (so no one outside of student council had one of the matching shirts) and especially because the shirts were given out during a student council activity, whatever the intent, the outcome was that at least one and likely two girls felt excluded and hurt and singled out.  And when Michelle was talking to a couple of these girls about the game, she said something about not knowing what to wear as she didn't really have neon and they just shrugged and said anything was fine.  My first inclination was to tell Michelle that for the next game she and the other student body officer should band together and get something matching...but I don't think that's the right answer either...though I have encouraged her to try to befriend the other girl.  I think the RIGHT answer (though not the easy answer or popular answer) should probably be to buy something for everyone in student council so everyone is included.  And definitely the right answer is to be extra kind to those who hurt her.  Perhaps it was intentional, perhaps it wasn't...but it doesn't really matter because the right thing is always to love and choose kindness.  (She did find something to wear and painted her face and Ella's face before the game.)

I have been thinking of this poem: 

“He drew a circle that shut me out-

Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.

But love and I had the wit to win:

We drew a circle and took him In!”

Edwin Markham

I have been thinking about things I regret. And a memory came to mind.

Eighth grade was pretty tumultuous for me. We moved (into my grandparents' home), my parents divorced, and it was junior high. It was hard. Despite our move, I finished 8th grade at the same school. But when it was time for me to start high school, I was to attend the high school where we now resided. And I really didn't know anyone. I was a bit shy and lacking confidence and very nervous. On the first day of school, I went to early morning seminary. One of the girls in my seminary class (who happened to be a senior and student body president...and also a really, really wonderful girl) invited me to sit with her and her friends at lunch. I was so grateful because I'd really feared sitting by myself. She told me where she would wait for me at lunch and I felt a burden lifted from my shoulders.

That morning, I had several classes and in my P.E. class, I met a girl named Charity. She also didn't know anyone...she had gone to a private school before starting high school. She seemed really nice and we ended up talking. At the end of PE, she asked if we could sit together at lunch. I apologetically told her that some seniors had invited me to sit with them and would be waiting for me.

Charity and I later became good friends. She is absolutely wonderful and was a good friend throughout school. She once reminded me of that first day of school and how hurtful that had been. Like me, she had been nervous and shy and lacking confidence and I had the chance to make her experience better. And I didn't. Thankfully she forgave me for that and didn't let that prevent a friendship from forming and I think/hope I was a kind and loyal friend other than that incident. But I regret that I was so selfish and so thoughtless.

Charity, Kerie, Kara, Ben...all friends from high school

LESSONS LEARNED: My greatest regrets center on not following the second greatest commandment to love my fellow man.

People around us want to be included and want to be treated kindly.

Simple, small acts can make a big difference (for good or ill) in the way others feel.

While you don't have to be best friends with everyone, you can always choose to be kind and inclusive.

When others make mistakes, forgive them.