Complicated

Teaching is so complicated. Some years feel harder than others. This year is going to be challenging. My class is very nice, but they are very low academically. Most of my students are reading below grade level, 1/3 of them are more than 2 years behind. They also struggle with writing, spelling and math. It is easy to get discouraged...for myself, but especially for them. Many of their lives are hard and education is their ticket to hopefully improve their lives, to get out of the poverty and abuse and other difficulties they face. But with one teacher to 24 students, and so much curriculum to cover, it is discouraging at times. How can I help them achieve? How can I help them learn to read and write in English (a second language for most of them) and help them achieve proficiency in math? And if I don't, what will happen? Of course, I know what will happen for me/for my school. We won't make AYP (adequate yearly progress under No Child Left Behind) and the sanctions begin... we get to hear regularly how we aren't doing enough, how we need to work harder, try harder, teach more, assess more, intervene more, etc. But more importantly, if I don't succeed what will happen to them? It feels as if I see the answer when I meet with many of their parents... they will live on welfare or take drugs or abuse their children or end up in prison, and repeat what has been done to them. As a teacher in a poorer neighborhood, I feel somewhat like a trapeze artist, walking this tightrope between hope and despair. Hope that I can and will change lives. That what I'm doing matters and means something. That for at least some of these children, I will be the one to give them a brighter future or to help them see that they are loved and valuable. Despair that I can't do more than I am (given my physical limitations and time constraints and imperfections as a teacher and a human being) and that for many of them, the future will be bleak. I believe in education and it's power to change lives. I believe in public education and that over all we are doing a good job. But I also know that it isn't enough...more needs to be done for these children, but I don't know how, and I don't have any more time. It's a dilemma, an invigorating one at times and depressing at others. I love the challenge of trying new things and seeing kids learn and get excited and grow. But I am saddened by the kids that don't make the progress they should and wish I was more successful. And that more of them had loving, supportive, educated families that could fill in the gaps that I leave. Don't get me wrong. The majority of the parents do love their kids and do want what is best for them. But many of them don't know how to provide that for them, due to their limited English or limited education or because they spend 10 or more hours a day just trying to eke out a living to provide for their kids. They are tired and overworked and don't have the time and energy to help. (And sometimes I can relate...although I don't work as many hours, it is hard to work and then come home and prepare dinner and help with homework and clean up from dinner and get kids ready for bed and so on... I have empathy for these parents... and at least I don't have constant worry about finances and I am educated and I do speak English and I came from a great home...)

But I must admit, I feel a little ashamed this weekend. I was talking to Brenda, my friend and the other 3rd grade teacher at my school. Our classes are very similar, although mine is a little easier and a little higher. I was telling her how very worried I am for these kids. She agreed. I said I didn't know what to do to help them... and we talked about a few ideas. Then as we were leaving, she said that she had asked friends to pray for her class. She believes in God, but isn't religious. But she said she's considered going to different prayer sites on the computer and asking for prayers for her class. I was a little ashamed that here she was the one talking to me about prayer. I have prayed for students before, and this is obviously not a new concept for me, but I have not been praying for this class this year. I am going to start, and especially praying for the children I am most concerned about. As much as I love the students in my class and worry about them, the Lord knows and loves them more. They are His children. If anyone else would like to pray for my class, I would certainly welcome that.

One happy note. I got a new student this week. I had been told she may be difficult. She was removed from her home for abuse/neglect and put in foster care. Then she was removed from that foster care home for abuse/neglect and just put in a new foster home a week ago. She is darling and sweet. On Friday she told me that she was sad it was a half day. I asked why. She said that she loves school. She said she has always hated school, but that she loved it now. I don't know if it is because she is finally in a safe home with a caring, attentive foster mom or because I have tried to make her feel welcome and the other students have welcomed her or because she is in a class where many of her peers are struggling students like her and she is finally not the very lowest in the class (maybe there is 1 advantage to having a low class and that is that struggling learners don't stick out so much!) or a combination of all these things, but this little girl who has had a very rough life is happy. Let's hope and pray that this continues!