Thoughts ...

As I mentioned in a previous post, I read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. This was a really great read. It's short and easy to read but filled with some real wisdom. As I mentioned earlier, she talked about not comparing yourself to others. Then she lays out the guideposts (or qualities/values) that she found in her research led to whole living. Some of them I feel like I'm doing pretty well on or at least I'm aware of their importance and trying to incorporate them in my life.

Her guideposts are these:
authenticity
self-compassion
a resilient spirit
gratitude and joy
intuition and faith
creativity
play and rest
calm and stillness
meaningful work
laughter, song and dance

I found the chapter on gratitude and joy to be so inspiring. She said that as she did her research, she found that gratitude and joy were inextricably linked...that those who were joyous actively practiced gratitude. Also, she (like many apostles have done in conference talks) discussed the difference between happiness (which is a feeling that comes and goes and that is based on circumstances) and joy (which is a more spiritual feeling..its Greek root was chairo and means the "culmination of being" or "good mood of the soul".) What I found especially interesting is that she spent time in this chapter talking about the opposite of gratitude and joy which is fear and scarcity. Many of us (including me at times) get into attitudes of scarcity... "I didn't get enough sleep", "there isn't enough money", "my students aren't doing well enough on tests." She quotes Lynne Twist in The Soul of Money, who writes, "Whether true or not, that thought of not enough occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it. We spend most of the hours and the days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining, or worrying about what we don't have enough of..." (page 83). She then says, "As I read this passage, it makes total sense to me why we're a nation hungry for more joy: Because we're starving from a lack of gratitude." (page 83) Wow! That seems so powerful to me. How many times have I answered someone's query, "How are you doing?" with something like, "Fine, but too busy." So time to transform my thinking. I have chosen the activities in my life and for the most part, I am happy with them...so time to stop complaining about them and give thanks for them, or let them go. Scarcity is a big part of what I see as a problem in public education right now...and I could do a long post on just this. But basically we, as a nation, are so scared that some other country will pass us by and we won't be number one. We are afraid that there aren't enough high achieving students, that students aren't passing enough tests, that we won't make "adequate yearly progress" and as a consequence we are making some very bad decisions as a nation when it comes to education. We are testing too much and instructing too little. We are teaching kids to bubble in worksheets but not teaching them to be creative, to appreciate the arts, to understand history (so we won't be doomed to repeat it), etc. I could go on an on.

I found the chapter on creativity both interesting and in a sense, rewarding. I can relate to her original thoughts that she is "not a creative person" because I've definitely thought that before. But as I read that chapter, I realized some interesting things. First, my blog is one way I am creative (I was about to add a deprecating remark about how my blog isn't that creative, but after reading this book, I'm not going to). But secondly, I realized in a more concrete way one of the reasons why so many teachers are not happy with being handed text books and teacher's guides and told to teach out of them. One reason of course, is that there are often times when the way a lesson is being taught is not the best way to teach that lesson to the group of students you have in front of you that year. Perhaps, they need even more background before they can learn it...or less... or they'd learn it better if there was art or music tied to the lesson or whatever. But, I also think that teachers are frustrated because our ability to use creativity is being hampered. As I read this, I realized that teaching is my main way to act creatively and that I'm happiest as a teacher when I'm putting my own spin on a lesson...even if I'm teaching the same concept as the text book, if I'm doing it in my own unique way, then I'm happier, more enthusiastic and the lesson generally goes better. Brown says, "There's not such thing as creative people and non-creative people. There are only people who use their creativity and people who don't. Unused creativity doesn't just disappear. It lives within us until it's expressed, neglected to death, or suffocated by resentment and fear." (page 96) In a way it is refreshing. We, the teachers at my school, have been accused a few times of being "unwilling to change" or being "stuck in our ways" and I've always felt that (at least for most of us on my faculty) that was an unfair description. No two years are ever the same in teaching and I'm constantly changing things and trying new things. I don't think I'm unwilling to change, in general, but I am unwilling to change if I'm being told to do things that I don't believe are best for children and that take away my creative process. I've tried in various ways to explain that, but I'm not sure I've been 100% aware of what I was feeling. This book helped.

I am thrilled that I do feel I am engaged in meaningful work and to have that reinforced as I read the chapter.

And now to the most difficult chapter for me. Guidepost 7, "Cultivating Play and Rest". I'm okay at playing with my children. I take them out to do fun things with them and I read to them and I even get down on the ground and play with them. But I'm not so good at the resting, overall. And could be better at the playing, as well. I would like to read Dr. Stuart Brown's book, Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination and Invigorates the Soul. Some of what she talked about, I already knew... at least when it comes to my children. I make sure that they aren't too overscheduled so they have free time most evenings to play. But wow, I had some personally rude awakenings as I read this chapter. I'm a busy woman with a full time job and I'm a mom and I'm active in my church, etc. And I actually usually like most of what I'm doing and feel it is important. But I found that I'm very guilty of using all that I get done as a kind of badge to show myself (in my head) and maybe to show others that I'm of worth. Brene Brown says, "If we want to live a Wholehearted life, we have to become intentional about cultivating sleep and play, and about letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth." (page 102) Wow! That could have been written to me. I often find myself feeling very proud of the fact that I teach all day, have 3 great kids (who are great kids but are far from perfect! and neither is their mother), cook a healthy meal for dinner most nights and a healthy meal for breakfast most days, keep my house fairly tidy and read a lot of books. I do it all! (I think this as I mentally pat myself on the back.) Now, don't get me wrong. I also have plenty of the other kinds of thoughts...about all the things I'm not doing right, about the things I leave undone, etc. In this moment of self-disclosure, I'll even admit to something that I only sort of realized about myself until I read this book. I love to read. It is one of the things I do for myself, to relax, unwind and to have a little "me time". Reading is a priority for me. I don't do well when I have weeks where I have little time to read. But if I'm not being careful, even reading can turn into one of my "to do" things rather than a pleasure. I'm on goodreads and at times, I find myself comparing myself to others...and thinking, "wow, I haven't read nearly as many books as she has" or "she reads more sophisticated books than I do". There I go, comparing myself again. A couple of years ago, I admitted to a couple of friends that I feel almost a little panicky if I run out of books to read...I always have at least 2 or 3 books checked out for myself at any given time. A wise, dear friend said something along the lines of "Jenny, you are more than the sum total of your list of books read." At the time, my feelings were a tiny bit hurt (not too much and certainly not enough to hurt my friendship, but a tiny bit). But I've reflected on that off and on since the comment was made and realize what a wise comment it was. I am much more than just the books I've read or the tasks I've accomplished. I don't have to get a million things done each day to be of value. I am a child of God, His daughter. My worth comes from who I am, not what I get done. I need to take time to play, to laugh, listen to music, dance with my children, and recognize the joy in life ...and not push myself to keep working when I'm tired, but to get enough sleep. What a great book. I still have a lot to learn and a lot to get better at. But I'm thankful for the insights I've gained.

photo shoot funnies

Yesterday we had family photos taken by Aubrie, who was one of my Beehives 9 years ago...and who was a Laurel when I was in young womens again a few years ago. She is now married and takes photos part time.

A couple of funny things happened while we were taking our photos. First, we sat down on a grassy area, and right after I sat down, Alfredo was about to sit when he said he thought there was dog poop where I was sitting. We looked and sure enough I was sitting on poop, with my hand in it. Gross. But funny, because it happened to me. I am seriously so clumsy and unaware. That same morning I had seen a quote on Facebook that I'm going to adopt as my new excuse: "I'm not clumsy. It's just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies and the wall gets in the way." So of course, if someone was going to plop down in dog poop, it would be me. Ah well. We have a glass table in our living room and when we've had toddlers, others have worried that they would fall and get hurt on our table. You know, each one of our kids fell into or bumped into their table once or twice and then they learned it was there and never really bumped into it again. But we've had it for 10 1/2 years, and wouldn't you know that I still bump into it at least once a month.

After we were done taking pictures, Michelle wanted to play on the playground for a few minutes. Ella and Gabby were cold and didn't want to. So I walked them back to the car and was going to drive over to pick Michelle and Alfredo up at the playground. It was less than 5 minutes that Michelle played there, but when I picked them up, Michelle told me she'd made a friend. It was a boy, and "he was cute" she said. Alfredo told me that he and the mom had been laughing because after just a couple of minutes of playing, the little boy invited her to come over to his house. If they weren't so young, it totally seemed like he was picking up on her...and she liked him too. Thank goodness they are still young and it was innocent, but boy is she growing up too fast!

Sunbeams

I've said it before, but I really love teaching the Sunbeams.

The first month of a new year is kind of rough. They are not used to being in Primary. They are used to playing, not sitting still. And my own 3 year old is in my class and wants my attention. In fact, she was very upset about me being her teacher. Her cute best friend Sofie was so excited that I would be her teacher, but Gabby kept saying that she did NOT want me to be her teacher. Finally, on the first Sunday, Gabby said something like... "I want you to still be my mommy, not be my teacher." Somehow in her mind, she thought she would just see me at church (like her nursery teachers) and that she'd have a different mommy, or something. :) Sweet girl. I hope now that she's realizing that I can do both, she'll be a little happier. Yesterday it certainly seemed like it.

Yesterday, in sacrament meeting, one of my darling Sunbeams was sitting in front of me. She's been pretty lukewarm toward me so far and hasn't been too excited about Primary...or at least about sharing time. But yesterday, she kept turning around during sacrament meeting and holding my hand and smiling at me. Then the last 10 or 15 minutes, she came and sat on my lap. She is darling. As I sat there, holding her, I felt how lucky I am to have this calling. It seems like only with the very youngest kids do you get to go to church and have someone telling you they love you (and then crawling up on your lap). I think perhaps I benefit more from being around them than they do from the lessons I teach them. I love their sweet spirits, their purity, their love, their sweet smiles. It brightens my day to see the cute kids in my class now and to see the darling ones from my class last year. You can't help but love them. What a blessing it is! It is truly no wonder the Savior loved little children so much!

Perfection/Imperfection

I am currently reading a book entitled The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. It was recommended by a friend. So far it is really good. I don't know if I'll agree with every thing written in the book, but there certainly seem to be some gems so far. Her theme is to help people live a wholehearted life...which she says requires courage, compassion and connection. I'm only a few chapters in, but already felt really impressed by something she wrote...probably because related thoughts had already been on my mind.

When defining what she means by compassion and connection, she talks about how we think we need to be able to do things on our own. That if we are independent and self-sufficient, then we are strong. She says, "Many of us are willing to extend a helping hand, but we're very reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves. It's as if we've divided the world in to 'those who offer help' and 'those who need help.' The truth is that we're both." (page 20)

Then she goes on to say that one of the most important lessons she's learned is:

"Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help." (page 20)

That seems so powerful to me. I know a few people who have proudly said things like they've never had anyone bring a meal to them or never asked neighbors to help with ____ (moving or something). To me that seems sad...and one more example of how we place people into groups and judge...and I'm not totally free of this at all. I absolutely love my neighborhood, and there are many reasons why. But the one that stands out in my mind is how wonderful my neighbors (and family) were when Ella had her open heart surgery. So many prayers were offered on her/our behalf. While she was in the hospital, neighbors brought meals to us. Several neighbors brought gifts for Ella...and even for Michelle so she wouldn't feel left out. A neighbor asked if I needed her to get milk or anything else from the store. People called to get updates and to just let us know that they cared. I'm not sure that I've ever felt such an outpouring of love...from others around me and by extension, from Heavenly Father...knowing that He had sent these people into my life. Even now, more than 4 years later, on days when I feel a bit alone or like I could use a friend, I often remember back to that experience and know that if and when we really need help, we will get it...know that there are friends and neighbors that care about my family. It's an experience that makes the world seem like a better and brighter place. I would hope everyone has the opportunity to feel that way from time to time. Serving makes you feel wonderful and it is great to serve and show love to others but it is also great to be served. On countless occasions, people have helped me out to the car when I had a cart full of groceries and 3 young kids or have done other small and simple things to serve me...and when it happens, it makes me feel like the world is a good place and that there is still a lot of good in most people.

As for recognizing imperfection as a gift, I'm sure I still have a lot to learn.

I read President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's General Conference talk today entitled "Forget Me Not". In one section, he talked about not forgetting to be patient with yourself. He reminded us that none of us are perfect and that we often compare our weaknesses with someone else's strengths. He reminded us that the person we admire and think is perfect, isn't. President Uchtdorf said this, "God wants to help us to eventually turn all of our weaknesses into strengths, but He knows that this is a long-term goal. He wants us to become perfect, and if we stay on the path of discipleship, one day we will. It's OK that you're not quite there yet. Keep working on it, but stop punishing yourself." What a great reminder for me!!

In this same talk, President Uchtdorf reminded us to be happy now (despite our imperfections, trials, etc.!)... I love what he said there..."The happiest people I know are ...those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. These are they who are truly happy." In the book The Gifts of Imperfection, her journey really began after a lot of research about shame and fear when she kept finding these people that were living inspiring, happy lives. She began looking at these people and one day jotted down what she saw in their stories. She made a list of do's and don'ts... and her do list included: rest, play, worthiness, trust, faith, hope, love, belonging, joy, gratitude, creativity, authenticity (page x). Some real connections with what President Uchtdorf said (of course).

On Facebook, many people have been sharing an article this week called "Don't Carpe Diem" by Glennon Melton ...an honest, opinion piece by a parent that admits that parenting is hard and every moment isn't wonderful. But she, goes on to say, there are two types of time...chronos...the typical minute by minute, often filled with drudgery and even unpleasantness... and kairos...God's time...the magical moments where you really see the beauty around you. For me... these are the moments when my 3 year old wraps her arms around me and tells me she loves me...or when she begins laughing so hard and we all begin to laugh because she is so stinking cute. The moments when my 6 year old plays every note on a piano song perfectly and her face lights up and she beams with happiness...or when she snuggles into my side and looks at me with love and trust. The moments when my 8 year old asks insightful questions or begs me to read another story or comes and sits on my lap (since she doesn't do that so often now that she's getting bigger). The moments when a student at school really grasps a concept that has been eluding them. The times when I'm reading or sitting in church and suddenly, something clicks and I understand something I didn't before or I know how to tackle a problem I'm facing. And yes, I agree with Melton. Most of our minutes are chronos time...and plenty of them aren't that amazing or fun or pleasant. But if we focus on the kairos minutes, if we watch for them and remember them, then life is beautiful and happy, over all.

New Year's Resolutions

I know, I know...January is already almost over...but I wanted to make sure that my resolutions were ones I could stick to... and well, I've been busy. But I wanted to record my resolutions to make myself more accountable.

So here they are:

1. Physical: I am going to concentrate on getting 5-7 or more fruits and vegetables every day. This shouldn't be hard because I usually (but not always) eat at least 5 servings of fruits and veggies. But I'm also going to really make an effort to pick a fruit or vegetable when I'm craving a sugary snack. If after eating the healthy snack, the craving is still there, I will probably have a treat (I'm being honest here...and I know myself well.)

2. Spiritual: Attend the temple more frequently. Hold FHE every week with my family.

3. Mental: Continue to read. Participate in at least some (6 or more this year) of the monthly challenges given by the Salt Lake County Library System on Goodreads...this will encourage me to pick up books I might not have otherwise.

4. Emotional/Social: I'm still thinking about this one....

Sledding

Today, since it snowed and the girls and I are off (for Martin Luther King Jr. Day), I took the girls sledding. Ella got a sled for Christmas from my Aunt Elaine. So we decided to put it to use. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that this is the first time I've taken my kids sledding. I do think they've gone a few times with their old babysitter when Michelle and Ella were preschool age...but this is the first time I've taken them, the first time they can actually remember going! I am not a cold weather person and really don't enjoy being in the snow. But sledding is fun and growing up in Utah, it's the kind of activity they should have some memories of.





First, we met Alfredo at Chick-Fil-A and had lunch (he, unfortunately, had to work today). The girls thought it was fun to see the cow there.

Then we bundled all up and headed for a nearby park to sled down the hill. Ella was nervous, so I went first. Gabby went once with me, but hated it. Ella did it a few times but would only go half way up the hill. She got cold fast and didn't really love it. But Michelle had a blast. She went down that hill, over and over and over again.




We'll definitely repeat it some time...maybe on a day when we can leave Gabby home with Alfredo.

The MIM

My mom took Suzy, the girls and I to the MIM...the Musical Instrument Museum in Phoenix. It hasn't been open for very long and she thought the older girls would really enjoy it. She was right! It was so very cool. They had displays from each country, organized by continent. You wore a little headset and as you approached a display, a video would be playing of natives of that country and you could hear them singing and playing the instruments as you watched the video. It was very cool. There were so many instruments...some that were familiar and some that we'd never seen or heard of before.





Michelle enjoyed seeing the violins and similar instruments from around the world. It was also fun to see instruments from countries where my students are from. The girls were disappointed because both Costa Rica's and El Salvador's displays were very small with signs saying that the museum was looking for more instruments from these countries.





The best part of all was the room where children (and adults) were allowed to try out some of the instruments. Although it was a little loud in there. We think it would have been even better if either it was in several sound proof rooms or if after each continent you went into a small room where you could try out a few instruments from that continent... but we all had a fun time trying out the instruments.





There was also a display with information about a number of famous musicians.

It really was a neat museum. I think in another several years I would like to go back (when Gabby is a bit bigger) and spend more time there.


Who hasn't wanted to try hitting a gigantic gong?!


There were guitars, a harp, drums, gongs, xylophones, rhythm instruments (maracas, rain sticks, and others), and other instruments for us to all try out!

Trip to Arizona

The morning after Christmas, we woke up early and headed to Arizona. Alfredo had to work, so it was my sister Suzy, the girls and I. I drove. I don't really like to drive..especially long distances... and was feeling quite nervous about driving so far...even with Suzy with me. I've been very blessed to have a husband that loves to drive and have done very little driving outside of the Salt Lake/Provo/Ogden area in the past 10 years. But it really wasn't too bad. The girls had some new movies and toys from Christmas and the weather was great...the roads were clear and we hit only a bit of traffic. So it went smoothly. What a blessing!

When we got there, my parents had bought a few small gifts for the girls (we'd already opened gifts from them on Christmas Day)so we opened more gifts. It was like having Christmas all over again, on a smaller scale. Several days later, Michelle and Ella talked about how many times they'd gotten to open gifts this year and how it was like they'd had 4 different Christmases. Lucky kids!






On Tuesday, the girls and I just spent the day relaxing. Michelle and Ella had brought their electric scooters and they rode and rode them on my mom's circle. I read and Gabby played with her princesses and princess castle. We loved the warm weather.





On Wednesday, my mom took us to the MIM. I'm going to devote a whole other post to this.

Wednesday night my parents watched my kids for me so I could go to dinner with some of my dearest friends from high school. Kara, Kerie, Charity and I met at Claim Jumper and had a nice dinner and talked for hours. It was so nice to visit with them. Charity lives in Indonesia...she's a principal at an international Christian school there, and I live here in Utah, so we only see each other every several years. So it was great to see all of them and hear what is happening in their lives. Kerie sells Pampered Chef and kindly brought us all gifts. She gave each of us the latest seasonal cookbook and I'm loving it. I've made 4 recipes out of it and they've all been hits. :) She also gave me measuring spoons which I needed. Somehow some of the measuring spoons I received at my wedding 10 1/2 years ago have vanished. :)
After dinner, we got a little tour of Kara's house which was fun. Then we drove through an outdoor Christmas light display. Super fun! It really was great to see them.

On Thursday, I took the girls to go visit my college roommate Monica. Monica lived in AZ for awhile back when Alfredo and I first got married. But it had been years since I had actually seen her... in fact, I've only seen her first 2 children in person and she has 4...and the last time we saw each other Ella was a newborn. So our kids were strangers and at first they were all kind of shy. But soon they were happily playing together and later that day my kids asked if they could go back and see Emily again soon. Too bad we don't live closer. :( It was so nice to visit with Monica. She is very talented and makes all kinds of amazing things with vinyl as well as making lots of cute hair bows. She gave the girls several darling hair bows and she had made me 3 stacking blocks that say "Panamenos, est. 2001". So thoughtful!
**Even though I brought my camera along, I didn't end up taking pictures when I went to Monica's or to dinner. Oops!**
Thursday evening my parents, the girls and I headed to the Mesa Arizona Temple to see the lights there. It was beautiful. Different than Salt Lake, of course, but beautiful in its own right. I especially enjoyed the nativity scenes...and found it quite neat that they were played in English and Spanish.














Friday we spent the day somewhat lazily at my parents' home, just visiting. My mom let the girls help her plant flowers in the garden which they loved. We enjoyed watching the birds eat out of the feeder, especially the hummingbirds. The girls played on their motor scooters. And Gabby had an accident. Ella was riding the motor scooter with Gabby. She was going fairly slow and being careful. She tried to go up the curb onto the sidewalk and tipped just a bit and they both fell. They started to cry. When I ran over to them, Ella just yelled, "I'm fine. Help Gabby. She's hurt. Just help Gabby. I'm sorry that she's hurt." Poor Gabby was crying and had split her lip. She was okay and after we wiped off the blood and cleaned up the scrapes and got all the girls a popsicle, everyone was okay. But Gabby had several scrapes on her face and a split lip that took a week to heal because everytime it would be almost better, she'd pick the scab off. Poor thing!





Then Saturday, New Year's Eve, we headed back to Utah. I wanted to be back in time to teach the Sunbeams (the 3 year olds) on Sunday because it was their first week in Sunbeams/Primary...which is an adjustment after being in nursery where they get to spend a lot of their time playing. On our drive back we stopped at Glen Canyon Dam by Lake Powell to stretch our legs and see the dam.





Since everyone was tired after our long drive, we played Mario Kart on the Wii for a bit and then went to bed. I stayed up a little longer to read but even I didn't make it until midnight. Alfredo did go to his family's house for their annual New Year's Eve party, but the rest of us were party poopers. :)
!