For many years, I felt like I was somehow less worthy or that others must look down on me because Alfredo wasn't very active in the church. As a child and teen, I was so determined that I would marry in the temple and have a husband who loved the Lord as much as I did. And despite marrying in the temple, I have spent several years of my married life taking my children to church alone and doing scripture study with my children and going to the temple alone. It's not what I had envisioned or hoped for. (To be fair, Alfredo has many wonderful qualities. He is a good man and he makes us all laugh and he works hard and he's a great cook. I love him. But it has still been hard to be responsible for teaching my children the gospel pretty much on my own.) And it made me feel like I had done something wrong that I didn't have the "ideal" family situation and I felt certain that people judged me. In fact, when I was called as Relief Society President, I felt so grateful...for the opportunity to serve and to learn and to grow...but also because to me it felt like it was a sign that I was loved and worthy despite Alfredo's inactivity. (As I write this, I know that for many people this will sound absurd. Why would I be less valued or less worthy because of the choices of my spouse? And yet I also know that I'm not alone in these feelings. I have talked to others who are not in the ideal situation that have these same feelings...even though they are illogical and doctrinally incorrect.) As I have shared some of these feelings with people and as I have talked to others, I have come to recognize that those feelings were completely unfounded. First, a number of people have expressed admiration that I kept coming to church and brought my children by myself. I felt judged...but especially reflecting back, I don't think that was actually what was happening...I think that was a result of my insecurity and the influence of the adversary. Second, I am not responsible for the choices my spouse makes. He has agency and while I hope that someday his testimony will grow and his desire to participate will increase, it is his choice. (Though he participates much more now than he used to.) Finally, regardless of what others think, there is a place for each of us in God's church and kingdom. He doesn't care if our situations are ideal...husband, wife and children...or if we are single or divorced or married to someone of another faith or LGBTQ or any number of other circumstances. He loves us. He welcomes us. He invites us to come unto Him. And He asks us to show our love by keeping the commandments and honoring our covenants. If we do that, then He will bless us. There is a place for each of us. The adversary will try to persuade us that we don't belong...but despite our inadequacies, our weaknesses, our sins, our imperfections, our doubts...He invites us all.
I love the lyrics to the song Come to the Table by the Sidewalk Prophets:
The outside looking in
This is where grace begins
We were hungry, we were thirsty
With nothing left to give
Oh the shape that we were in
Just when all hope seemed lost
Love opened the door for us
Come join the sinners who have been redeemed
Take your place beside the Savior now
Sit down and be set free
Come to the table
These liars and these thiefs
There's no one unwelcome here, no
So that sin and shame that you brought with you
You can leave it at the door
And let mercy draw you near
Come join the sinners, you have been redeemed
Take your place beside the Savior now
Sit down and be set free
Come to the table
Just come to the table
To the hero and the coward
To the prisoner and the soldier
To the young, to the older
All who hunger, all who thirst
All the last, all the first
All the paupers and the princes
All who fail you've been forgiven
All who dream, all who suffer
All who loved and lost another
All the chained, all the free
All who follow, all who lead
Anyone who's been let down
All the lost you have been found
All who've been labeled right or wrong
Everyone who hears this song
No comments:
Post a Comment