When I was a senior in college, I had a roommate named Jenny. I really liked her and got along very well with her. She had this really cute (and quite expensive) pair of jeans and she was kind enough to let me borrow them. One time when I borrowed them, I got bleach on them while cleaning the apartment and they were ruined. And I should have gone to her immediately and told her...but it was a week until pay day and I justified that if I just waited until pay day then I could tell her and give her at least part of the cost of the pants. And really I was also hoping to avoid a conflict. Well, she wanted to wear them and asked me if I had borrowed them and could I please return them. And I had to admit what had happened. And she was understandably upset and especially that I hadn't told her about it. It didn't ruin our friendship or anything...but I felt guilty about that for years. Soon the semester ended and she got married and I had graduated and soon moved to Salt Lake to teach and I lost contact with her. Then several years ago, we became Facebook friends. We've seen each other a couple of times and had some great conversations over Facebook. But still this experience nagged at me. So finally I sent her an apology and told her how sorry I was that I'd ruined the pants and especially that I hadn't talked to her about it and that I'd felt bad about it all these years. She responded that she's always felt bad about that experience too...that her friendship with me was way more important than a pair of jeans.
She wrote: "I've always wished I never would have said a thing about it. I'm embarrassed that I didn't just quietly throw them away without even mentioning it. You were doing something good-cleaning-when you accidentally ruined them. Things happen. That is life. And I wasn't ever really mad or angry about it. In my mind you were always just good and kind and sweet and focused on all the right things."
At the time that I sent her the apology, I had been doing a lot of reading and thinking about our thoughts and the power they have in our lives. I wrote this..and I think it's a pretty profound insight that I want to be better at remembering.
"For many years whenever I have thought about our time as roommates that is the main thing that comes to my mind. That I was not as good of a roommate as I should have been even though you were so kind and so loving and so fun. But when I have seen you and you introduced me to your children and met my girls, the story you told was of me keeping Dave's secret about proposing to you. A story that paints me in a much more positive light than the one I so often reflect on. The reality is that both stories are true....and the reality of who I was as a roommate probably lies somewhere in the middle. But what stands out to me is that, to a large degree, the narrative I have told myself seems vastly different than the narrative you have told yourself. You have chosen to focus on the positive things you see in me/remember about that time. Thank you so much for that! ...In our relationships, we are dealing with humans who are always a mix of good and bad...but in my experience, if we focus on the good that others do and tell ourselves how good, kind, etc. they are, we will see more and more of that. But if we begin to focus on the unkind, hurtful things that people do, we see even more of that. The narratives we tell ourselves--about ourselves and others matter. Thank you for concentrating on the good in me."
LESSONS LEARNED:
Apologize/make amends quickly. Don't carry around guilt for years.
Admit when you have made a mistake. Don't try to hide your mistakes.
Be careful what narratives you tell yourself...about yourself and others. Conscientiously look for the good. Remember the best parts of people, not their worst.
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