This particular post is much more raw, open and revealing than I usually prefer. But I feel like this was a really defining point in my life and I feel like I want to have a record of it...but also I want my children to know what I learned in case they ever face a similar situation. I've written even more details in my personal journal...as I was going through this experience...but I think there will be things in the reflection that may be helpful and different as some time has passed. In October 2017, Elder Holland gave a talk entitled Be Ye Therefore Perfect-Eventually. Many people really loved this talk because he talked about how we aren't expected to be perfect now. That it's a process and that we should be patient with ourselves. But I was especially touched by the part where he told the parable found in Matthew 18. A servant owes 10, 000 talents to his master. His master has compassion on him and forgives him. Then he turns around and tries to collect the debts owed to him. He won't forgive a 100 pence debt owed to him. He is asked, “Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?”
Elder Holland said,
There is some difference of opinion among scholars regarding the monetary values mentioned here—and forgive the U.S. monetary reference—but to make the math easy, if the smaller, unforgiven 100-pence debt were, say, $100 in current times, then the 10,000-talent debt so freely forgiven would have approached $1 billion—or more!
As a personal debt, that is an astronomical number—totally beyond our comprehension. (Nobody can shop that much!) Well, for the purposes of this parable, it is supposed to be incomprehensible; it is supposed to be beyond our ability to grasp, to say nothing of beyond our ability to repay. That is because this isn’t a story about two servants arguing in the New Testament. It is a story about us, the fallen human family—mortal debtors, transgressors, and prisoners all. Every one of us is a debtor, and the verdict was imprisonment for every one of us. And there we would all have remained were it not for the grace of a King who sets us free because He loves us and is “moved with compassion toward us.”11
Jesus uses an unfathomable measurement here because His Atonement is an unfathomable gift given at an incomprehensible cost. That, it seems to me, is at least part of the meaning behind Jesus’s charge to be perfect. We may not be able to demonstrate yet the 10,000-talent perfection the Father and the Son have achieved, but it is not too much for Them to ask us to be a little more godlike in little things, that we speak and act, love and forgive, repent and improve at least at the 100-pence level of perfection, which it is clearly within our ability to do.
That last line, especially, really struck me. It is clearly within our ability to forgive, repent and improve at a 100 pence level. I had also been really struck by the Sermon on the Mount and especially the counsel in Matthew 5: 44: "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;"
This really is a higher law. It's not easy to love and pray for those who are unkind or hurtful or unjust. But the spirit let me know very clearly that I had work to do. Particularly in my marriage. I realized that I was carrying around some frustration and withholding forgiveness for things my husband had said and done. He's a good man and I love him. But he sometimes says things that really hurt me. Often it's not even intentional and while I realize that it doesn't necessarily lessen the hurt. I also recognize that he grew up in an unhealthy home and learned some patterns of behavior that are not ideal. And he does love me and he loves our girls, even though he sometimes says things that are hurtful. And so, in order to protect myself I had put up some walls and I also was holding on to some hurt. It was hurting me and hurting our marriage. I wanted things to be better but I wasn't sure how to make them better.
Over the course of about 4 months, I reread and relistened to this talk over and over. I prayed daily for help to love, forgive and improve at at least a 100 pence level. Often I felt like I was probably only successful at doing this at a 10 pence level. I shed a lot of heartfelt tears. I asked Alfredo for forgiveness for some things I had said and done that had hurt him. I worked hard to act in loving ways even when I didn't feel very loving or even when I felt like he wasn't acting in the way I wanted him to. I learned (and continue to learn...it's definitely a process and it's something I am still working on and probably always will) that I could do the right thing if I asked for help and strength and if I determined to do the right thing for my Heavenly Father. Sometimes I felt like Alfredo didn't deserve my love or forgiveness...and I didn't feel very loving. Sometimes I would cry and feel very justified in my hurt...but I absolutely love my Heavenly Father. I want to be like Him. I want to please Him and I want to make Him happy. And He loves me and He loves Alfredo. And He loves my children. Creating a happier, stronger marriage was in all of our best interests. And so I prayed and I studied. And I read John Lund's book Without Offense: The Art of Giving and Receiving Criticism. And in a very real sense, I gave myself some therapy. I learned to take criticism--which has typically sent me into a very negative spiral and caused me to feel very badly about myself--and to be able to examine it more abstractly...was there truth in it? Was it something I should work on? OR was the person just saying that as an expression of their own frustration, anger, etc? And I got better at looking at the criticism and being able to say things to myself like...he is right...I'm not good at keeping cupboards organized...BUT I am a beloved daughter of God. I have a divine nature and I am good at serving others or remembering scriptures or __________. I can work at being more organized but it doesn't change my value that I'm not good at that yet." And I could also say to myself and to Heavenly Father in prayer..."I don't feel like he's being very fair right now. He's frustrated and I think he's overreacting...but I know that I can react calmly if you help me. And I want to because I love you." In John Lund's book he gave an example that really helped me...he talked about a wife that felt dismissed and unappreciated. She could choose to leave her marriage. She could choose to get angry every time that she did something nice and it wasn't appreciated. She could stop doing nice things. OR she could do the nice things and do them not for her husband but for God. Her husband may or may not ever change...but her reason for doing them and her response to his ingratitude could change. And so she would cook nice dinners and as she was cooking she would pray and say, "I'm cooking this meal for you Father. I know you appreciate what I'm doing." And she learned that this was enough. There are still days and times that it doesn't feel like enough...but most of the time it is. There are still FAR too many times when my immediate reaction when I feel like I'm being treated unfairly is to get angry or to snap back or to pout. But I'm getting better at reining in my immediate reaction and reacting like I know Heavenly Father wants me to react.
At first it was so hard. And it sometimes felt unfair because it felt like I was doing a lot of work with little reward. BUT over time I found that I was getting better at loving, forgiving and improving at a 100 pence level...maybe even a 200 pence level sometimes. And as I began to react better, our marriage improved. Alfredo noticed that I was doing more nice things for him, acting more patient and kind, paying more attention to what he said, planning date nights, etc. And he began reciprocating more and more. Sometimes--and it often seemed to be on days when I was especially struggling (though he didn't know it)--he would do especially thoughtful or loving things and it would help me have the strength to keep trying and be a little better. And our marriage became better than it had been in years. It's been a couple of years now. And 2020 has been hard for me emotionally. I've noticed that I've slipped back into some old patterns in some ways--and we haven't been very intentional about having date nights or spending quality time just the two of us and I know that's something I need to work on. But I know it can be done...and it will be easier because we haven't slipped very far yet. And because I truly can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me. I do not have his 10,000 talent love or grace or mercy or goodness yet...but He is able to transform my 10 pence love, forgiveness, and goodness into 100 pence or 200 pence or beyond. It's helped in my marriage. It's helped me as a mother. It's helped me as a friend and leader.
LESSONS LEARNED: I can love, forgive and improve at a 100 pence level (or higher) with Christ's help. And some day I will reach His level of perfection.
Marriages and relationships can be healed by Christ.
We can learn to respond effectively to criticism.
We can do hard things,--even seemingly impossible things-- when we do them for someone we love.
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