It's been a hard week. I am feeling discouraged by the contention in the world. I am feeling discouraged by my many failings. I feel distanced from several people that I care about. And I feel like I have been criticized by two people that I care about. I keep thinking through what they have said, trying to see what parts are true and whether there are ways I can try to be better. But I'm feeling so discouraged over all, that I am having trouble keeping my thoughts from spiraling into ALL the things that are wrong with me. And that list feels long.
And I want to be kind and loving and value relationships over opinions. I genuinely want to. But I also don't understand some opinions. The First Presidency released a statement urging members to wear a mask when social distancing is not possible and stating that the vaccine is a safe and reliable method to combat this virus and encouraging members to receive the vaccine. I know of at least one person who is rethinking their decision not to vaccinate, but I have also seen social media posts using this letter as a way to berate those who are not vaccinated and also posts explaining why that individual or family doesn't need to listen to the prophet in this case. I talked with a dear friend today and she said that she sent the First Presidency statement to her parents and they responded and said that in the last days even the very elect would be deceived and basically implied that the prophet has been deceived. I can love others who choose to believe and act differently than me. But I know there is danger when we choose to ignore warnings from a prophet of God. There is danger in justification. When our prophet, our stake president and our Bishop have asked us to wear a mask when social distancing is not possible (such as in church meetings), then I will wear a mask. Will I criticize those who don't? No. And I recognize that I'm not their judge. But am I concerned that they see no problem in ignoring counsel from leaders? Yes.
I am too judgmental. It's one of my failings or weaknesses. I am trying to do better. Most of the time I feel judgmental about other people's choices because I care about them and want them to make choices that will bring them safety, peace and joy. I worry about my young women--so many of them are choosing not to participate and their testimonies are weakening. I worry about beloved ward members who have not returned to church. I see that, for some, sports or family time or recreation or other activities have taken priority over church attendance or other opportunities for spiritual growth. Several young women have opted not to take seminary. A couple of them are dating at age 14 and 15 or making other choices that may hold danger for them. And I feel deeply concerned. But also sometimes a bit judgmental...why can't they see or why can't their parents see the danger?
I go back to work on Monday which is causing me some anxiety. But I also think that return to routine will be good for me. But I worry about the impact of returning to school on Gabby. It has the potential to be helpful for her...or perhaps very harmful. Michelle moves out in two weeks. I'm so excited for her...but also so sad for me and I can't help obsessing over the multitude of ways in which I failed to be the parent I wanted to be. I haven't taught her everything I meant to. I haven't prepared her as fully as I should have.
I am tired. Weary. I want Jesus to come. I want the contention and anger to end. I want us to all try harder to follow the prophet. I want to increase my faith. That was the challenge President Nelson issued in April. I'm not sure why but I've really struggled with that invitation. I mean I have read some good things and listened to some great things, and I think I do have strong faith in Jesus Christ. BUT I feel like I have cycled through a lot of questions and doubts. And a LOT of feelings of inadequacy and ineptitude. And I feel like while I still strongly believe the things that are at the core of my testimony and faith, my strength is being shaken in a lot of ways. And the miracles that I desperately want feel far out of reach. In fact, it feels like instead of taking two steps forward and then one step back, lately I feel like I'm taking 1 step forward and then three steps back. I LOVED the study of the promises made to covenant Israel. I felt strong and peaceful and courageous during that study...I felt God near. I felt like the study on women and the priesthood was life changing. My study of the restoration strengthened my testimony. My study of Come Follow Me fills me with excitement. But as I think about faith and work on developing faith and moving my mountains, I doubt myself. I doubt that my miracles will ever come. And I doubt my worth. And I feel confused by all the questions that seem to be a never-ending barrage. Most times that I feel like the Spirit has come to comfort me or guide me, a conversation or event seems to make me doubt that I'm guided by the Spirit at all. I have many times felt like I should call the Bishop and tell him to release me immediately because I cannot serve as YW President any more. I'm completely fouling it up. And then the next day I think that when I am released it will be such a sad day because I have the best calling in the church. I feel like the Lord is trying to remind me of the importance of covenants and commandments and then discussions with others makes me feel like if I value commandments then I am Pharasaical and judgmental. And maybe I am. I don't remember feeling this confused for many years. I feel the spirit almost daily and also feel MY spirit plunge into depths of discouragement and despair almost daily. I haven't slept well in 3 weeks so I know that is part of the problem. But I want to throw my hands in the air and admit defeat. And at the same time I feel Alma's words in Alma 29:1: "“O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!” I'm a mess.
Next week we do worth week for the Young Women. I'm genuinely hoping that it helps me get myself put back together better. Because I'm a mess.
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