Shy Miss Opportunities

 Maybe I've shared this memory before, but I've been thinking about it for a few days in the context of a conversation I had.  

When I was in kindergarten I was incredibly shy.  And curious.  I remember clearly one day sitting on the sidewalk outside my kindergarten classroom.  Ms. Lovig, my teacher, came out and stood beside me.  She said, "Don't you want to play?"  I looked around and said, "I like to watch the other kids."  I think she pointed out a few kids and what they were doing and encouraged me to join in...but I was content to sit by myself.  Now I'm fairly certain that I did join in playing sometimes.  I had a couple of friends and I loved kindergarten (though I loved being home even more.)  I wasn't sad or even really lonely on that particular instance.

However, I can remember other instances when my shy nature did make me nervous enough that I missed out on opportunities.  I remember one time that I wanted to ask permission to go somewhere...but I thought my parents would say no.  I don't remember the specifics but I remember sitting near one of my parents and telling myself to just open my mouth and ask.  And I would open my mouth and then shut it quickly because I was so scared to ask them.  And I repeated that over and over for probably 20 or 30 minutes.  Finally I got up the courage to ask--and I don't even remember what they said.  Why did I feel so scared?  I have no idea because my parents weren't mean or threatening so it's ridiculous that I would act that way.

In 5th or 6th grade we had to do country reports and then do an oral presentation in front of the class.  Somehow when it came to academic things like doing a presentation, I was okay--I felt confident in that arena, just not socially.  Anyway, during one of the presentations a classmate passed out small cups of coffee as that was something common in the country he had studied.  I knew that the word of wisdom said I shouldn't drink coffee, but it was school and my teacher had told us that when people brought things to share that we should be respectful and take at least one bite/drink.  I'm certain that if I'd told her or told my classmate that my religion forbade drinking coffee, they would have been fine with my choosing not to drink.  But I didn't want to offend or speak out and so I just drank it.  (I thought it was disgusting and I felt SO very guilty about it.  I still wish I could go back and undo that, but I suppose I learned from it.)

It's interesting because when discussing some varying opinions on the pandemic and on vaccination, my friend said that she worries about those who are making the decision not to be vaccinated--often after study and prayer--because people can be really unkind and make unfair assumptions.  She said how hard it is to feel like you are being targeted for your choices and that we don't really know what that is like.  I said that there have been times I have felt targeted.  (A few times recently but definitely times in the past.)  My dear friend replied that while we both have had rare times when we felt targeted, we are both strong enough to stand up for what we believe in and to know that other people's opinions don't really matter.  And I was both touched that she thinks that I'm that strong and also laughed a bit to myself because I both feel very strong in some ways now---and genuinely feel like I have overcome much of the shy nature that led me to miss opportunities and not stand up for myself as a child--and also recognize how often I have felt like I couldn't express my opinion.  

I've been thinking about it for days...what exactly has helped me to become better at expressing my opinions and being more outgoing and standing up for what I think is right?   And also, what situations still make me feel so vulnerable that I don't stand up for what is right?  I hate contention and if I feel like my opinion is going to cause contention then I generally will keep it to myself.  If I don't know people well, I typically won't share anything that makes me feel vulnerable.  If my feelings are hurt and I'm feeling especially sad or lonely, then I tend to withdraw and assume no one wants to hear my opinions or that my opinions aren't valid any way.  Or if I'm unsure if my opinions hold validity or it's a topic that I don't know a lot about, then I can be easily swayed or will just stay quiet.   

There have been so many times when I wanted to speak up --and maybe even felt like I should speak up--but I haven't.  Last year, there were so many instances in meetings when people said things about parents who sent their children to school in person and the comments were often very judgmental, unkind and unfair--and I was a parent who had sent my children back to school.  I stayed quiet for four months and then finally sent an email to my principal and explained my feelings and explained that I didn't blame him--it was happening in grade level meetings, faculty meetings, district meetings, meetings with parents...many meetings that he had little control or no control over...but that there were other sides to consider and that we could be more respectful to those who see things differently.  (And so much credit to him because he publicly apologized to me for the things he had said and the tone of our faculty/grade level meetings changed drastically after that.  But it took me four months to say anything...and even then there were lots of other places where I never spoke up.)   I can remember several years ago when I worked at Parkview, that several teachers were talking negatively about the church in the faculty room.  They weren't talking to me, but I could hear the conversation and I sat quietly and just listened.  And went home and felt so guilty that I didn't say anything because I should have.  There have been many times when I have been directly criticized and I've not only stayed quiet but in my mind, I have added to the criticism and told myself that not only was the person right about _____________, but also I have fault A, B, C, D and E.  I've worked really hard on changing my thought patterns and I don't do that as often any more.  I can usually catch myself and stop at fault A or B and then point out to myself that I may not be good at A, B or _____ but I AM a daughter of God.  I have worth.  I am good at   F, G and H.  I feel like I am strong in some ways and so weak in others.

LESSONS LEARNED:

I have gotten better at expressing my opinions and standing up for my beliefs but there is still room for improvement.

It takes courage to stand against a crowd.  Sometimes I lack that courage.

Being too shy can lead to missed opportunities.