monday meditations

Wow, that sounds like such a peaceful title. Monday meditations. But my mind feels all but peaceful at the moment.

This week is teacher appreciation week and my principal gave us each a gift and read us a poem and had us watch a short film. She asked us to remember why we are teachers and to remind us to love the kids and to do what we need to so we can love our jobs and students. I must admit that the past two years, this has been difficult for me to do. Some of it is the pressure of testing and No Child Left Behind, some of it is burnout, some of it is the population I work with, some of it is just that I'm so busy. My first several years of teaching, I was so passionate about my job and my "kids" (students). I loved them so much. Even the difficult, less loveable ones. It seemed, in some ways, like a gift. Now I feel like a lot of the time I just tolerate my students. I feel like the opposite of the grinch... my heart has shrunk two sizes lately. When I stop to think about it, it makes me sad and I often recommit myself to doing better... being more understanding, patient, loving, etc. But it seems like there are some kids that it just doesn't work with anymore. I have two boys this year that I really can barely stand. That makes me feel sad and bad. If those children were my sons, I would want their teacher to see the good in them and to love them. And I realize that usually the most difficult children are the ones that most need someone to love them. They often come from difficult homes and backgrounds. Why am I not better able to do that? I want to but sometimes don't feel like I have it in me.

This is the poem our principal shared. It was put with images of children on a video which she also had us watch.

A Prayer for Children by Marian Wright Edelman

We pray for children
Who sneak popsicles before supper,
Who erase holes in math workbooks,
Who can never find their shoes.

And we pray for those
Who stare at photographers from behind barbed wire,
Who can't bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers,
Who never "counted potatoes"
Who are born in places we wouldn't be caught dead,
Who never go to the circus,
Who live in an X-rated world.

We pray for children
Who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
Who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money.
And we pray for those who never get dessert,
Who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
Who watch their parents watch them die,
Who can't find any bread to steal,
Who don't have any rooms to clean up,
Whose pictures aren't on anybody's dresser,
Whose monsters are real.

We pray for children
Who spend all their allowance before Tuesday,
Who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
Who like ghost stories,
Who shove dirty clothers under the bed and never rinse out the tub,
Who get visits from the tooth fairy,
Who don't like to be kissed in front of the carpool,
Who squirm in church or temple and scream in the phone,
Whose tears we sometimes laugh at and whose smiles can make us cry.

And we pray for those
Whose nightmares come in the daytime,
Who will eat anything,
Who have never seen a dentist,
Who aren't spoiled by anybody,
Who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
Who live and move, but have no being.
We pray for children who want to be carried and for those who must,
For those who never give up and for those who don't get a second chance.
For those we smother.... and for those who will grab the hand of anybody kind enough to offer it.

When I stop to think of the lives that far too many children live, it is amazing how resilient they are. I want to be the one kind enough to offer my hand, but I so often fall short. And I am often judgmental of their parents/families. Why aren't they kinder and doing more? Yesterday, in Sunday School, we studied Mosiah 3-5. I was reminded as we read of feeding the homeless and teaching our children to love and serve others of a book I read a year or two ago called Nobody Don't Love Nobody. The author taught at the homeless school in Salt Lake. One thing she said really struck me. She said that she came to see that most of the parents she saw really did love their kids. Many of them were trying to provide a better life for their child than they had as a kid, but that we all begin at different starting places. This really caused me to reflect. I still get angry that parents aren't better parents for their kids. But I guess that most are trying to do the best they can.

Just like I am. I often feel like I fall short of the type of parent I should be and want to be. I struggle sometimes with having to work. I don't get to spend as much time with my girls as I feel like I should. Even when I'm home, I often struggle with finding balance. I have so much to do (dinner to cook, dishes to wash, house to clean, schoolwork to do, working with the young women at church, etc.) that I struggle to not let those things take the place of spending time with my kids. I hate when my kids are mildly sick because I feel like I can't take time off work, but I feel guilty not staying home with them. Or when they have events (like preschool field trips, etc.) that I often can't attend. I hate that I regularly feel torn regardless of what decision I make... like no matter whether I take the day off or go to work, I've let someone down. And I hate that I feel torn at all, that I don't just automatically take the day off, that I have to really weigh the costs. I am so grateful for Janene because I know my girls are happy there and that she takes great care of them. That eases my conscience a lot. And overall, I think I'm doing okay. My girls are sweet and smart and they know we love them. I try to find the time and energy to do fun things with them, and I think I'm relatively successful at that. Mostly, I feel like I could be doing more to teach them the gospel. Over the past 2 years, I have had periods (weeks or months) where I did a good job of reading the scriptures to them and teaching them about the church. And other periods where we don't do very well. I am grateful for primary, because Michelle learns so much there. but I know I should be doing more myself. One of my goals for this summer is to get at least 30 FHE lesson/activities put together and ready to go so I can be better at doing that. Anyway, I need to stop this pity party. I have so many blessings. I have great friends and family and a great husband who really, in many ways, make up for the areas where I lack. Most of the time I like my job and it is something that I know is important. I have known for years that teaching is what I'm supposed to do. And if I have to work, I am glad that I have a job that gives me lots of time off with my kids and that is something that I believe in and feel is worthwhile.

Sorry that this turned into a full length novel. :) I think I"ll go down a little prenatal yoga to finish de-stressing and then go to bed.